I'd rather have Jesus than anything...

First, a blatant plug for my friend Leah's new cd. It's called "All I Have Needed" and her name on Itunes is "Leah Mari"... not only is she a super sweet person, but her voice simply put, kicks butt. Add to that her heart to worship- inspires me. :) Oh- and so you know, it's all hymns. With a bit of a country kick. I like. A lot.

Update on the prostitutes: We've been told by one of the board members that they will be moving out soon- they're being asked by the board this week, and their landlord will be notified. Apparently their neighbors above and below are miserable from the "activity" going on there. :( Poor people! When I heard that, I felt SO thankful for not having to deal with any noise!

We have no one that lives under us, and a single guy from California who is home like less then 1 week a month, named Brian. He's real nice, and I have plans to ask him if we have family that stays for a long go, or too much company, if we can rent his place from him for like a week or so when he's gone. Just an idea. But I'm playing it by ear.

It's so hard to believe that it's Christmas time, that everyone back home is in layers, wearing winter coats, throwing snowballs! I don't have a dress yet for E's wedding and so I'm tanning every day for 15 minutes on each side (front and back) with a strapless swim top so that whatever I wear I won't have a tshirt tan line, like was painfully obvious on Sunday when I looked in the mirror!

Things with Hot Husband's job are becoming quite stressful. Not necessarily the work load, but more like the problems we've had with the practices of how they run things. Being asked to lie on our health insurance applications, broken promises, etc. For people who have a strong sense of justice, and righteousness (us).... this is so difficult. Especially for him since he has to go in to work and deal with it every day. I'm praying for him a lot, the stress has been difficult for him. Is this our Joseph season? Not sure, but for now we have no way out, and in the next 4 months 3 substantial bonuses that would be ridiculous to leave behind. For the meantime, we will keep our ears open, and come end of March, start searching and seeing if any doors will open. We'd prefer to stay here in Kenya. I mean hey, we have bought a car! :) Which can I just say, I LOVE DRIVING HERE! Natalie- Hot Husband and I were laughing so hard last night at this 'short cut' I was taking home. It was packed, and there even was a city bus.. It's a dirt road that goes up and down 2 steep hills, and at the bottom of each is a stream, which when raining is like 1.5 feet deep. Yesterday the ruts in the road were awful from the recent rains, and there were holes in the road that easily would have gone almost to your knee. We are amazed at how Kenyans take their Corollas on these roads, with wheels in the air, and spinning tires. So thankful God gave us a way to buy 4 wheel drive, high clearance car... !

I would like to start writing out testimonies of things that God has done in my life. For Cute Child, for family. And also, just to have them written! I plan on doing this when we come back in January.

I'm in a dry space with Holy Spirit. I just don't feel Him right now. And I am not sure how to change that, because all the old tricks, they're not working. I know this may sound petty to those who don't feel Him in the way I am longing for... but for me, I miss Him. I miss the waves of Presence. I miss the fire and tingling in my hands. It's odd, since I do get moved by Him with certain things, and seem to find Him in worship easily, hearing Him daily speak to me. It's just the physical manifestation that I am missing. I remember sitting in Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship, long after the service had ended, just sitting in the sweetness of Him. Unable to move by the waves of Himself I could feel pouring over me. Positively 'drunk' in goodness of Him... My friend Sarah knows what I'm talking about.. those early days in the 90's were so sweet. So precious. Something was different then, I cannot ignore it.

But why? Why was it different? Why was it special? Why would He change like that? My theology just doesn't understand. . .

Praying for His presence to be felt in my life. Praying for dreams in the night, visions in the day, burning in my hands for healing... Love to be awakened deeply in my heart.

ps. I would love to post more pictures, but for some reason I haven't been able to add them.. :(

Red Light District

First, let me just say: We aren't getting our shipment now. And UPS has screwed over Diamondback for the last time, they are losing all of Ethan's business if they don't rectify this mistake! I cried last night, cried on my way into a deep sleep. This morning I woke up much more peaceful, and feeling like March isn't so long to wait. 3 weeks of that wait we are gone. So that is the update. Now we just need prayer to figure out asap which is the best way to go as far as which shipping organization, etc.

Now back to the subject at hand.

Though my house is clean (Doris is here today), and smells of fresh air and cleaning products, everything feels really dirty. I suspected something last week. Kenyan women, dressed to the nines, standing outside with older 50-60'something white men. . . Then when our dear friend Debel was visiting, he watched a movie with us and Hot Husband took him home around 12am- at the same time we opened our door, they opened theirs to leave. 3 black Kenyan women, and one older white man. A different one then before. Monday I went to our friend Levis the taxi driver who seems to drive for everyone in our complex. Levis went on a sleuthing hunt for me, all hush hush of course.

And today I went to him and got the details. The women rent the apartment, have been here for 3 months, and run a prostitution business out of their apartment. It appears that the men are all 50-60 year old United Nations peacekeepers.

Having never had to really deal with this before, I'm not sure quite how to respond. I will not let that kind of thing go on next to my family. This explains some of the weird dreams, thoughts, etc that we've been both experiencing randomly. I do not want Cute Child to be exposed to this. They swim in the pool often, with their men... It just feels so ICK. ICK. ICK.

Levis strongly recommends that we do nothing for now, and we're smart enough to know that this sort of situation could get us in big trouble if we confront it.

Right now I'm thinking big bottles of anointing oil, prayer, fasting. That's all I know to do.

Anyone have any thoughts? Any ideas? What would you do if this were you, and your family?

Hebrews 11:8

Hebrews 11:8
"(Urged on) by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went, although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go. "

'Nuff said.

Not In My Strength

Not In My Strength

Heidi Baker and Kevin Prosch

Stumbled again I cannot hide

the weakness that lives in my soul

Truth is revealed I can't deny,

I am no more than a fool.

This is my boast:

I am not strong.

This is the gift that I give:

I've built you an altar out of the ruins

Of this broken life that I live.

I praise you God. I praise you God. I praise you God.

Not in my strength, but my weakness.

Have you not called the disqualified, the poor and the prodigal son

The scum of the earth, bankrupt and blind

Lost and unfortunate ones?

You know me well, I'm all of these things, still you have called my your own.

Then you wash me in blood, under the cross

So I boldly come to your thrown.

I praise you God. I praise you God. I praise you God.

Not in my strength, but my weakness.

You made me Lord to be your vessel.

You made me Lord to feel, fill me up.

I have brought nothing to the table, just a desire to know you more.

I praise you God. I praise you God. I praise you God.

Not in my strength, but my weakness.

Brother in law went to send our crate with UPS yesterday. We have the paperwork. To make a long story short. They currently won't send our shipment. We have till Monday, and maybe it could still go through. If it doesn't, we don't know what we'll do. And right now, there is nothing more I want to do then just go home and be at my parents house, and see my sister. Play with my nephew, and go Christmas shopping. All this to say, I'm feeling pretty weak.

Awakening to a new dawn.

It's Tuesday again, and Doris is here watching Cute Child. I took a quick 20 minute power nap, and now am spending some time catching up.

It was a rough week last week. For the first time in his entire existence, Hot Husband was homesick. Add into that the delay of our shipment, and even more probable predicament of having to pay the duty and tax on it for not making the 90 day window. Which means we could have gotten it right away to begin with . There are frustrations that come with living in Africa, that one never runs in to living other places.

I am finding that occasionally there is a weird competition of people here. Missionaries versus Non Profits, Private Sector versus whatever. For instance there is another American woman who has started to hang out with the group of women I have been with. She is a missionary. I really liked her until the past couple weeks when she started just being very odd. Almost condescending. At moments, rude. Pointedly towards me, not the others. I'm not certain if it's this chasm between her being here for strictly missions purposes, and the weirdness that can come? Or because we are the only American's and she feels a comparison between us from the others and doesn't want that to be the case? I don't know what it is, but on Monday at the British High Commission play group, I had to just walked away from a conversation, remove myself completely before I either burst into tears, or said something to the point and rude right back. However, as a result I met this woman and her daughter who were playing alone, apparently not 'cool' enough for the rest of the group to engage in conversation... And I really enjoyed her. She's a photojournalist, and her husband covers Africa for the Times- a journalist. HELLO! Cool!!! Really down to earth, kind of shy, but totally real. Outside of the few women I hang out with, a lot of the others can, let's be honest, just bore me to tears. There is a woman there who has this thick upper crust English accent, and literally everything that she says sounds condescending. I can't figure if it's mostly her accent, or if she really is that snobby! Lol. At the end of the day, I can't complain. I have friends, and am mostly accepted. And for that I am grateful. It's just finding my 'niche' so to speak, that I am looking for and processing right now.

Lest you all think that Hot Husband is insane in his hours (though I don't know how much I can stop you from believing that), I must say, he does come home between 6-7pm , 90% of the time, and only half of the weeknights works after 8 when Cute Child goes to sleep. Weekends he very rarely has to do any work. It's much better then grad school. I think it's the stress, and the unpredictability of the job that makes it the most frustrating for me. Enough of that!

It's school holidays here, apparently everyone gets off the whole month of December, not sure when their other holidays are, but I think is like the biggest break of the year. The neighbors across the way are Mexican, and I know it sounds funny, but we were so excited to meet them, they feel familiar to us, more then many others we meet. The kids are super sweet and love Cute Child.

We are having to decide in the next 3 days, when we will fly home from the States, and consequently, when we will be flying back to the States the next time. A round trip ticket. I'm torn. I want to return sooner, rather then later. But it's extremely expensive, and with my brother in law just getting into Michigan Law (YOU GO, BRO!) my sister will be moving end of May. Therefore I want a trip back to include a holiday time when she will be there for certain. *sigh. We also want to save money for a trip to Chile to visit friends, Fefa, Tomas and their little Ana. Particularly before we have our next kid.

Not that we are pregnant, because we're not. Though the more I have Doris around the more I think that this is a great place to be pregnant and have babies. Maybe not the labor delivery part, but definitely the hired help part. :)

That book I mentioned last time, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, has a chapter in it that is full of the most amazing story I've read in what feels like forever. I don't know if you can read a book just to read about one man, and just to read one chapter, but you could with this book. And end up really inspired. Bob is the man, and his life just seems too idyllic for words. How is it that some people's stories seem so easy? It's like children playing make believe, and everything coming true- the ideas and dreams are that simple, and at the same that far out and impossible. Is that what it takes?

Here's a few more clips from the book:
" As I've said before, the main way we learn story is not through movies or books; it's through each other. You become like the people you interact with. Aand if your friends are living boring stories, you probably will too. We teach our children good or bad stories, what is worth living for and what is worth dying for, what is worth pursuing, and the dignity with which a character engages his own narrative."

"Robert McKee put down his coffee cup and leaned into the podium. He put his hand on his forehead and wiped back his graya hair. He said, "You have to go there. You have to take your character to the place where he just can't take it anymore." He looked at us with a tenderness we hadn't seen in him before. "you've been there, haven't you? You've been put out on the ledge. The marriage is over now; the dream is over now; nothing good can come from this." He got louder. "Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasies come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person." His voice was like thunder now. "You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change."

I know this sounds kind of morose and slightly depressing, but honestly. I've had my share of hellish years. Years that I'm still waiting for perspective on. Years of physical pain. I'm not Job, but I have felt fire burn things I loved in my life. I have smelt my own flesh burn. And just when I thought I had no more flesh to burn, I became a bonfire. I know what it means to be in a season of "hiddenness". It's almost laughable the ways I have been passed over. For someone who loves center stage, who feels a tangible peace and natural ease holding a microphone- I have not taken to being hidden easily.

All this to say, I thought I was moving to Kenya to see more of my fullfillment of the dreams and longings, visions of helping the orphan and the widow. However it seems that what is happening is something that started in me long before those visions. The stirring in me to sing again, to write, to paint has come up and called to me. I don't feel incredibly inspired, but I long to express. I feel eager to meet others, to learn about what they do, why they do it, how they are doing. I am amazingly content right now to sit back and let others hold microphones while I take notes, sing along, or listen quietly.

Maybe some of the burning worked. Maybe this is exactly where He wanted me to go. Maybe my character, my story is on the right track. Maybe my story will be better then I imagine.