It's time to grow up.

For some reason I see a pattern in my life.

Actually not a pattern, but a theme.

The theme, wait for it.... it's:

DRAMA.

That's right, everything is a drama. If you ask me how I am it's rare that I can simply answer, "I'm great, thanks!".

Today I woke up, actually the last couple days when I've awoken, that's all I want. I want to be great. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the emotional heart that keeps me up at night, steals sleep, falls tears, is hurt by others, scared of future unknowns, in the throws of chaos over events that have not even happened. My days are being stolen, I have too many dreams, and even if my fears do happen, why would I want the days to be consumed with anything but the good things?

The part that I'm talking about, that I'm literally sick to my stomach about, is the part that is needing to grow up- not the beautiful emotion of passion I possess. It's time to take responsibility for the drama, and for lack of a better term, get my butt in gear. ;) I need to exercise, rain or shine, every day. I need to call the doctor, make appointments, take charge of the fact that I have health problems by the reigns and actively pursue health with unwavering determination. I need to sit down daily, journal, write, take time to listen for answers from Him, and get my conversational relationship with Father back on track.

It's time to stop feeling like I'm forgotten, and start acting like He remembers.

Two things

Two things happened today. One is great, and fun. The other is horrible, tragic, and annoying.

First- I had a boyfriend in high school, like most American girls I know. Anyhow, last time I saw him he was drunk, and high and looked like crap. It was so sad since at the time he was one of the smartest people I knew, totally talented, good looking, and had so much to offer the world. It appeared he was throwing it all away for pot, Ben Harper, and becoming a Rastafarian. Anyways, thanks to the wonders of Facebook- a friend of a friend posted photos of his recent wedding. And he looks happy, so happy. And she's pretty, and they both looked sober, and not like crazy pot smoking Rastas. :) lol. I was very very close to his family, and he'd been my best friend long before we dated, so it was such a neat thing to see.

And now for the Second thing. The Sucky thing. I have problems. No, literally, I physically have problems. (A few mental ones too no doubt, haha) It took us 7 rounds of provera, 5 rounds of clomid, and a miracle to conceive Jonah. I've been diagnosed a million things, and long and short of it there are some major things funky going on in my endocrine system. The problem is that no one seems to have any ideas of what to do, and I appear to be cursed with a magnetic pull for incredibly Dumb and Insensitive Doctors (DaID). After a whole round of tests, I spoke to my new doctor this morning, and she once again proved herself to be right under the DaID qualification. So back to the drawing board. I cried, I swore. I hate what I feel like, how it makes me look. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what I have most of all.

I am having a hard day. I just want to be normal in this area. Have a normal period. Have a normal metabolism. Have a normal pregnancy. Have a normal life!!

5 years

Today, five years ago, I got married. It's amazing that it has been five years, and yet it seems like yesterday.

I think every woman is this way, but when I think back to our wedding- there are some things I would definitely have changed. I wouldn't have put straps on my gown- because in the end he said he would have liked it fine without them, and the only reason they were there was for him. I would have tried harder to have a smaller, more intimate wedding. But then, I married a pastor, who to this day thinks that 250 people is a small-ish wedding. I would have like 50-100. I would have not been sick and drugged on my day- though I don't know if there's anything I could have done about that. ;) I would have spent more time picking out the music. I would have not left so early- I had so many friends who flew from all over the globe, and I barely got to see them. Oh- I would have thought of jewelry the day of the wedding- I had no earrings and ended up borrowing them from my tall and lovely English friend and bridesmaid. I would have made sure to make it downstairs to the hors d'vours in between the ceremony and reception. (I never even saw it!). Lastly? I would not have had the flower girl. I would not have chosen the same minister.

What would I have kept? Well, besides the groom. haha! I will always look back to the day and be happy and in love with the fact that he chose me. I loved the flowers at our wedding. Childhood best friend and my Most Amazing sister have I to thank for them. They were beautiful. I loved the candles. Thank you ikea. I loved my friends. I loved the fact that everywhere I looked the people that I loved the most were there. (when i looked past the random people that i didn't know, and still don't know- like the east indian family my husband invited- that brought their 4 children- lol. that's still kinda funny). I loved the worship, that God, you were there. Thanks for that, You really know how to show up. The food, we had the best Thai food ever. People still talk about it. And really- so much, much more.

Here's to another 500 years together my love. The last 5 have been filled with changes, challenges, moves, adventures, travels, new beginnings, goodbyes, and hello's. . . and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Mirror.

Today I went to Whole Foods, commonly known in Cambridge as "Whole Paycheck", even by the Harvard students (which should say something about their prices). But anyways, I bought a new bottle so that we didn't only have one. It's a training cup and yet i can use it as a bottle until he figures out what on earth a training cup is.

He's eating paper on the floor next to me.
(It's making me smile)

I bought two things for myself. Two magnets. They are above, and I think they're a kind of mirror of where I'm at in my world right now.