You've Come A Long Way Baby...

It's a new year! Okay, so almost 2 months into the new year, but still, YAY!!! I was thinking about where I was personally when I started writing this blog... I was sad, disgruntled, lonely, and aching for the bits and pieces of what I felt- but never saw. Always reaching never touching. I lived in New Jersey for goodness sakes. For some it may be all fine and dandy, for me, a personal barren wasteland.

Now I'm blissfully settled into Nairobi, loving being a mum (yes mum, I say it in my head now even), getting to wear flip flops year round, and going to baby/toddler play groups all week long. I'm exhausted most all the time, needing a nap continually, and up in the night more then I care to count. But...

Something has happened to me. I want to do more things. I have become coordinator for prayer at our church. It no longer overwhelms me to try and take on more things. Potty train Cute Child? BRING IT ON. Rearrange the entire house? GO AHEAD, TRY ME!

Yeah, something has shifted. Hot husband is busy busy busy with work, but it's not awful like it was before Christmas. And I have general hope for the future... I have this sense that God has not forgotten us, and that all these random things in our lives the past several years-they've not been random at all, but part of some glorious beautiful picture that I will some day get to see and marvel at. Heck, I'm already marveling.

Introducing: Little Brother!

Bits and Pieces...

I'm sitting here typing to the background noise of Elmo's world video, and my 2 year old, Cute Child, is randomly screaming into the living room air "ANMIMALS!" and "MISTUH NOOODUL"... I figure it's a good time to do a short update.

This morning when I went to my doctor here, I told her for the first time (I know, I know, even she said I should have mentioned it months ago) about the nightmares, the anxiety/panic attacks, and the vitamins I'm taking. She asked me to explain in detail what it all is like, what I feel, don't feel, etc. And then she said with such firm resolve, that this is completely classic thyroid problems, and promptly wrote a script for me to go into the lab downstairs and get a full work up for my thyroid. I did this a few years ago, and it cost my insurance company in the US something over a 1,000USD. I paid cash this morning, it was 4,700KES. That's like 55USD folks. 2 things: why on earth is it so expensive in the States for blood work? and. I wonder if all of this is a thyroid related problem!!?

In 3 hours we will be at the airport here, picking my parents up. I'm so excited, and not just for the suitcases full of goodies. (such as the 16oz of medium cheddar cheese she is bringing!!!) I'm really excited to see them, for Cute Child to play with them. For the help with getting our new house ready, and the new baby.

Speaking of... I think we have chosen a name for the baby. :) But I will leave you all in suspense. Sorry, but it's been quiet up till now, why not wait till he comes!?

And soon, soon folks I will post pictures of our new house. Yes, an actual house. Stand alone. Not even a town house!! It's in a 9 house compound. SOooo excited! Tomorrow I think we will plant some grass there, pick up some paint, decide how to paint the kitchen cupboards and built in closets. (white). I just found out that there are no rollers here. Just paint brushes. REALLY wish I had known this a week ago, it would have been easy for my parents to throw that stuff in their suitcases! Oh well.

Anxiety, Curses.

We live in an incredibly active spiritual, supernatural world. Whether you like it or not. Whether you are in Canada, United States, DRC, or Kenya. However, when you are here, and random weird things start happening, that seem to be happening to no one else... sometimes it's worth considering the idea that it is possible someone has gone to a witch doctor and attempted to put a curse on you, your house, your cat, or whatever. Sounds much more freaky then it actually it is. But that's only if you don't have Jesus. ;)

We've been struggling with rats/mice for the past several months. About 2 weeks ago, I suddenly realized, 'how is it that out of 45 apartments in our compound, we are the ONLY ones with this problem?!'. So Hot Husband and I began to pray. . . anointed the house with oil, etc. And no more rats or mice... at least inside the house. . There has been some evidence of them outside on the window ledge. I can't say for sure either way what the dealio is. But I can say, it's definitely worth considering these things.

A friend of mines guard had his little girl die in the night, she was 2. According to his village tradition if someone dies, it's ALWAYS someone elses fault. This guard decided that it was his coworker, my friends house help. They're from the same village. The guard then went to a witch doctor and placed a curse on the house help. Now her house is in a bit of chaos. She fired the guard yesterday.

Stepping back out of these things a bit. I'm having weird dreams. For several months. Where I wake up completely overcome with stress. Anxiety. Though I pray, renounce, or whatever... it still can take several minutes to snap out of it. Lately it can happen in the daytime as well. Last night when it happened Hot Husband was trying to get me to relax while praying for me, and though I was relaxing all of my body to the best of my ability- my muscles were still tense. It took about an hour for me to fully snap out of it. It can often happen when I'm on the computer. I have come at it from every angle, and when I'm not struggling, I have no fear, no anxiety, I'm not stressed... The anxiety, even when in it, is completely nonsensical. Last night I started to wonder if this is a chemical/hormonal thing having to do with pregnancy. It simply has no basis for its existence. Because of that, it's either some sort of curse, or some sort of chemical imbalance.

At any rate, I ask that if you read this that you pray for me. That this would not be something I struggle with any longer, and that the baby would be protected from it. That I would not have this during labor and delivery. That if there is a supernatural element to it, it would be broken, and we would have wisdom to what is going on!

Aha! :

I was thinking after I wrote this, since all this morning, and this afternoon I've been having this sort of anxiety mind numbing, muscle tensing body sensations... And realizing two things. 1. It is happening purely to my body, if I check in with my spirit or my emotions, they are not in a state of turmoil or stress. 2. I've been taking a lot of vitamins, including a Shaklee immunity booster- Nutriferon in order to not get any more sick then I already am.
This is has made me wonder- Are the vitamins and their mixture causing a chemical reaction with my hormones? Definitely worth cutting them out for now at least!!!!

24 hours later:

haven't had a single "episode" today. and i'd say today i've had much more reason to. (more on that later). no nutriferon in about 30 hours... i'm more and convinced the nutriferon had something to do with it. whatever the case, i'm just feeling more 'sane' today! thank you Jesus! thanks for praying!

The Promenade: they don't make'm like this any more

John Mark McMillan is a worship leader that has inspired and led Hot Husband and I into worship many times, and we've never heard him live. Just from his recordings. One of the reasons is because his songwriting is very raw, real, and we can relate. He has a blog that I link to here, and his latest post I will paste below. I found it oh so true.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010
they don't make'm like this any more
The ability to genuinely connect with a person's heart and draw them into a real-time conversation with God seems to have become a dying art form. It's just not something you can learn at a conference or program into your set. It comes from a deep well and is cultivated over years. That means it's time consuming and expensive. Maybe that's why it's become so rare. Our cheap and easy "just add water" worship programs probably serve a purpose, but I can't help but wish there were more people like this guy on the planet.

Something about this video takes me back to a time when I was less cynical. I hope one day I can make music that does the same thing for people.

3 weeks

pictures below of me @ 37 weeks pregnant, cute child just 2 years, and hot husband- on a weekend trip into rural kenya. we went hiking at hell's gate, and it ended up being a bit of scaling walls and such. quite the challenge! on the way home i bought about 15 pounds of rhubarb for 7USD on the side of the road. it was a lot of rhubarb! :)






We have 3 weeks, more or less, until our 4th member of the family arrives. What will his name be? What does God have for him? What personality will he have? Will he be a lot like Cute Child? Will he be totally different? Will the labor and delivery go easily? Will Cute Child adjust easily?

My doctor is pleased with my progress, where the baby is, and last week only wanted to see me in 2 weeks time. It's great not being high risk like I was with Cute Child. It's great having a laid back doctor. It's great having babies that descend the way they're supposed to, and I'm praying for an even easier labor and delivery then what I had the first time.

My parents are coming for a visit on the 8th. I'm very excited to see them!

I'm already anticipating the upcoming Christmas holiday in the States. Almost a year has gone by since I've been in my homeland. And yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our arrival here in Kenya. Seems like a dream. I would say it's gone by quickly, but actually, I don't know that it has. It's been good, but definitely challenging.

I've been really struggling with having hired help here. Don't get me wrong, I love Doris. She cleans, she cooks a little, she watches Cute Child. She has started coming to play groups with me, so that I don't have to do so much lifting and chasing after my 2 year old. It's saving my back, and I've been able to sleep much better the last 3 weeks since having her come along, as well as stop getting sick. (I've been on antibiotics, watched closely for chest infection and other infections- strict orders to rest a lot!)

But there are downsides to having help. There is guilt. Guilt that you aren't spending enough time with your child. Guilt that maybe you are too lazy to clean your own house. Guilt that you should be a better wife and mother. Guilt. Then there is the issue that no matter what, your help never will do things the exact way that you want them done. She will sometimes think that you don't really want what you just asked for and do things her way anyways. She will sometimes not understand your language and speech and instead of question you, will just do what she thinks is right or what she thinks you might have you said anyways. You will have to share a house with another woman for many hours in the day, when sometimes you just want to be alone.

I sometimes wonder if I will be able to do this in the States. Will I be a good mother even without her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I a good mother now even with her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I okay?

Last year when we arrived here there were so many things that struck me. Right away I realized it wasn't as nice as South Africa, but by no means living in Mozambique. I realized that the grocery store had so little of what I was used to, and that my entire style of cooking was going to have to change. Within 1 month I lost 6 pounds, and we all had stomach flu from adjusting to the bugs! I remember walking out of the airport, around 10pm at night, and there were palm trees everywhere- this really surprised me, since we are over 6,000 feet elevation. Hot Husband and I walked everywhere those first few months, taking random taxi rides here and there. Everything was in major drought, and immediately I had to get used to the power cuts, in a tiny sparsely furnished apartment with a 13 month old, and no friends to call on. It quickly got busier, and we made friends, but those first couple months were filled with so much transition, so many changes. What an adventure!

I have no idea what is next. Hot Husband may get into a prestigious program in DC, he may not. If not, we are totally not sure what is coming up for us. We both look forward to the new thing, but to be honest, even if the new thing is still here in Nairobi, we're okay with staying here a few more years. We are not feeling antsy about being here, and are okay. Yeah, sure there are ridiculous cultural things we face, and it can get lonely, being away from so many friends and family. But at the end of the day, the bonuses of having an okay family/work life balance, copious amounts of sunshine and outdoor play, amazing adventure travel at our doorstep (next year we are planning a lot more trips- including Hot Husband climbing Mt Kenya, and possibly Kilamanjaro), and fresh cheap homemade smoothies every morning in our kitchen... These things are so wonderful and we are really enjoying life here.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, for us, living here, it just depends on what part of the fence we are walking along...

Little bits of Sunday morning...

It's Sunday morning, and no I'm not at church. Hot husband is coordinating the service this morning (like MC'ing) and Cute Child and I are staying home. There's no Sunday school this month, so it would be like me going and doing nothing but running around outside after my child, kinda useless if you ask me. In that vein, it's much more worthwhile to stay home, write a blog, relax, watch some Veggie Tales, and play with Cute Child.

We've been super busy getting ready for the new kid, (I'm 32 weeks), saying goodbye to 2 more couples that were friends that have moved back to their home countries, and making new friends. We've been budgeting like mad, saving everywhere we can, and praying that Hot Husband's job would make some wise decisions about the new exchange rate, etc. Though they have and we will be getting a bit more every month, if we look at his original contract we are discouraged at what they said they'd do and what they haven't done. We're praying that our landlord doesn't increase the rent in November when our lease comes up. There is an element of stress in our lives in this area, and just typing this out makes me stressed. :(

Moving right along then. . . ;) I spent lots of time yesterday trying to figure out how to make homemade bread in high altitude conditions, with weird yeast and odd flour. Flour here is so confusing. At Nakumatt (the main large grocery store- closest thing we have to WalMart) there is literally an entire wall of an aisle dedicated to different kinds of flour. I kid you not. Ugali flour, Chapati flour, Doughnut flour, Bread flour, White flour, etc... *sigh. It is not uncommon to see Muzungus (white people) standing in the aisle, blankly staring at all the options, confused, flabbergasted, and overwhelmed. It's the one thing here that we have lots of choice on.

This may not seem much to anyone else- but- we were at Chandarana (an Kenyan Indian grocery store, smaller then Nakumatt but with much more specialized items, and a great selection of imported chocolate- oh and the novelty, bagels!) the other night and they had my favorite cereal. Post, Banana Nut Crunch. Hot Husband brought me a box home after his trip to the States in June, I brought a box back last Christmas. I love it that much. When I saw it, I literally gasped, and did a whoop of joy! I think the Kenyans around me all jumped. I then proceeded to grab 4 boxes, at 495sh a box. This is about 7USD, each. I thought maybe I'd regret spending so much on this cereal, but honestly I don't, not at all. I've enjoyed every single bowl of goodness since then. Sometimes you just have to go for it, if it's something you love, that's from your home country, you can't put a price on it.

I've been watching my weight pretty closely. With Cute Child I gained 45 pounds. *gasp, I know, you're shocked. Don't be. I lived in Cambridge, and was eating anything I chose- though in moderation, and with plenty of exercise... I still gained a ton. Here there is no convenience food (outside of my lovely new cereal) , and unless you are very focused, it is difficult to exercise as much as at home... And I've not been doing that at all very much. However, I'm right on track to gain 25 this time. :) You have no idea how happy this makes me. I do feel a difference, and it's amazing how differently I am carrying this baby compared to Cute Child. It's fascinating to me. I've also had different aches and pains then I had the first time around. I'm trying to stretch more,

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Our power went out on Sunday morning while writing the above, and stayed off the majority of the day. It's now Tuesday and I'm at home, Hot Husband out of town for a few days for work, and I'm feeling particularly down and melancholy. In fact I'm downright weepy. God, please say this is hormonal!? I went and tried to hang out with people today, but it just made me feel more of an alien in a strange land. It feels like sometimes, I hit a wall of 'i really don't belong here'. It's frustrating. Though I've never been this long out of my home country in one fell swoop (we're coming on 7.5 months), you'd think I would be fine! It's not like I'm living in rural africa, or in a tiny village! I haven't been a victim of violent crime, or even crime (minus my Muzungu neighbor who appears to have put his cat off on us, and just gave away 2 plants i was pretty certain I had bought from him- and already given him the money for this morning)... I should be fine! But - today - I am not.

I'm worried about parenting 2 children, transition, how Cute Child will respond to another kid in the house. About not being able to give him all the attention that he needs since I'll have another one to look after. I'm worried that parts of me are disappearing, and that I may not be anyone that I think I am.I'm worried that I'm too American, too loud, talk too much, and am just 'too much' for people here! I'm worried that no one likes me, and that I'll never find a group of people that I really connect with and 'get' me. I'm basically a ball of insecurity. I think I need to go take a walk and listen to some worship music, and get my heart back out of my head, get my spirit communing with His, and get my head back together.

Okay. I'm off to walk.