Abortion.

This is a topic that I just won't change on. For me it is the silent holocaust around the world. It is the female genocide in Asia.

To me it will never be a 'right' to kill someone else.

I'm all riled up about this, not only because of it being an election year, and there's the whole supreme court justices, and the idea of Roe. V Wade ever being overturned...

But a close friend here in Kenya, someone who I greatly respect and admire, was being questioned about abortion by some of our mutual European friends...

To which she replied with how she had worked in the US social working scene before, and how she had seen these kids come in to the government system and their lives and case files, and emotional scars were so horrible, and their future so pointless and dead, that she couldn't help but think that if she were their mother, she would want them dead. If she could choose for them to die, she would. Just kill them now, and see them in 70 years in heaven.

***
I sat silent, staring at my food. My mouth dry, and I wanted to just be sick.

First let me preface the following with the fact that I do know that the US foster system, and system for kids is awful. It needs changed, it needs Jesus, it needs people who love and will adopt. Let me also say, that the only people I know who are willing to help out that system are Christians, deeply religious people, and a few homosexual couples.  Without getting into that can of worms, let me just say, I wish everyone had a spirit of adoption over their heart...

And here's where my heart and brain went:

 I have sat down with kids in an orphanages, held dying AIDS babies, and tried to reach child prostitues, like the 8 year old who only crawls on the floor with a blanket over her head. I have never thought to myself, "wow, I just wish their mother had aborted (killed) them."  The very idea of that, just makes me cry. 

Logically, I can 'get' how you would think that, but to think that... how separated can you be from the eyes of that child and the hope that Christ has for them and in them?

I'm not really looking for responses on this. Everyone has such passionate viewpoints, from every angle and every 'side' and every which way. I just wanted to say that I cannot ever say that it is okay for someone to kill someone else. And though I can understand that life would ever be so hopeless that people would want to, and that people would do it...

 I hear the words of my great grandmother Nellie when she had her 6th child, in the midst of the Great Depression. When there was famine, draught, and what looked like no future in front of them... she said when my great aunt was born,

"Her name is Hope, for where there is life.... there is always hope."


My great grandmother had it right.

"So, what does a normal day look like for you?"

The heading says it all.
                 
                          That question, "So, what does a normal day look like for you over there?".

It is asked at every gathering that I go to when I'm back "Stateside", and is always answered a bit differently. I try to be positive, I try to not sugar coat things, but not complain about things either. The truth of the matter is that while at 'home' it is often really hard to think of what my normal life looks like. I am on overdrive, overstimulated by all of the familiarity, culture, family, goodness, and excess that a visit Stateside can entail.

 Last week I had a somewhat normal week.

Here it is: 

 Sunday morning: We skip church to go on a hike up Mount Longonot. My husband has been wanting to do this for months now with me, as he has done it several times. We carry the kids on our backs in ergo's. I am so exhausted once I reach the top that I can barely appreciate the amazing view. Once I do come to my senses I am not longer exhausted but totally freaked out at the huge cliff drop offs and the idea that I brought my kids to the top of this thing. Lesson: hike Mount Longonot without your 1 and 3 year old.


 5pm Sunday night: Brown out. (this is where the power flicks on and off for a bit, and then doesn't come back fully on, but at half power. The lights are on, but very dim, the microwave won't work, the plugs (outlets) work but the fridge doesn't... you get the idea. Also, the city water hasn't turned on and so our tanks are almost empty. No laundry can be done, no toilet flushing till it does. (it ends up filling our tanks in the middle of the night).

 Monday morning: power is bouncing all over the place. Flickering, full power, brown out... and then by 9am goes completely off. It's a bad disco. Because it has been doing this we have no hot water (hot water heater isn't getting enough power to heat the water), and I have no shower. ick. Doris, our house helper looks like she's about to drop- and is, she was up all night 3 nights in a row helping our great friends' house helper have a baby. She's exhausted, and I can tell that she's getting sick. So I take the kids, do all the groceries and shopping with both of them in tow, and run a bunch of other errands while Doris can clean the house in peace at her own pace.

 Monday afternoon: power still off. Rest at home. Make dinner. Prepare my diet food (veg and chicken). Kids nap. Let Doris have a 2 hour nap, so she doesn't get pneumonia.

Monday evening: Pick up hot husband from work. When Doris get's off her work I offer her the SQ (staff quarters) room off of our house to sleep in overnight instead of walking home in the cold and rain. She takes it. (she's never done this. I know she must be bad!) I give her a hot water bottle (explaining how it works since she's never seen/used one) and load her up with Nyquil, Shaklee, and EmergenC. She is in bed asleep by 7pm, and doesn't wake up till 8am the next morning. Chat with Swedish neighbors in the compound for a bit. Laugh. Eat dinner. Still brown out. Give boys a bath by candle light and with boiled water.

 Tuesday: Even though baby boy was up sporadically at night, I figure he's teething, and running a light fever. I take him and his brother away so that again Doris can do house stuff without us around. Cute Child in school, Baby brother and I go to visit a little friend and have a play date. I drink tea and chat with the new lady and her boy the same age as mine, and they empty drawers and play with toys while we talk about the life of Expats. I like her. First play date with them and it was a success. Pick up Cute Child by noon.

 Tuesday afternoon: Power is off. It was on in the morning, having come on sometime in the night, but now it's off again, completely. Kids take naps and around 3 we go to friend Wendy's house for a playdate. Her house is amazing, her garden beautiful, and her toys- in abundance. The kids LOVE it there. Her and I do a 'biggest loser' workout DVD, have a cup of tea, and enjoy our kids and each other. I pick up Hot Husband with kids and Doris in tow, and we navigate Nairobi traffic for an hour in rain, huge puddles and bad drivers.

 Wednesday: Cute Child to school. Baby brother to Baby Bible play group. 1pm go to Seikh/Singh friend who invites me to her house to pray with her and read her the Bible and tell her about Jesus. She's on a journey, (I'm hoping straight to His heart!). She sends me home with a plate of Malai Kofta. Hot Husband is ecstatic. We have brown power, and then full power. I got a shower that morning. At 5 I go to Friskas and Svetis, my Swedish workout at the Swedish school. One hour of cardio, mat work, and jumping up and down with a bunch of blond happy people. I LOVE it. I'm hot and sweaty, and come home ready for a shower but there is no hot water, and I have a date with the girls, and so I clean up as much as possible so that I don't stink and drive to the Italian restaurant where we laugh and tell stories and have good food. This is the first I've done this since Baby Boy has been born. It feels very good. When I get home at 930, baby boy is stirring in his cot, and that stirring goes to full blown crying. He pukes everywhere, has a fever of 103, and dry heaves for the next 3.5 hours. Torture. No hot water to wash up with.

 Thursday: I had been up half the night, so I'm exhausted. But today is Thanksgiving, and I've promised that I would bring major things to a big feast at a friends house at 4pm. Hot Husband and Cute CHild will go without us... Doris and I set to making bread rolls (her) and stuffing (me) and pumpkin pie (me).  With children running around our ankles. Here you make everything from scratch. All the herbs for the stuffing are fresh, need to be cleaned/sanitized, pie crust from scratch, the bread is fresh, and the rollls that Doris makes are almost (but not quite) as good as my mothers. (My mom did teach her, after all!). We send them off, Baby Boy is very ill... and I stay home with him for Thanksgiving. I ask Doris to stay with me, I take a nap from 4-530 and then send her home. Oh I forgot to mention. The hot water heater is broken. I have had no shower since before Friskis and Svetis and feel DISGUSTING. Sweat and cooking and baby puke lingers on me. Doris knows how I feel so when I've woken she has gotten our biggest bucket and has been boiling water for me to take a bucket shower. (I love Doris!) I do. I feel 10x's better and when I see her off at 6pm, I'm ready to tackle caregiving for very sick little guy. Am up in the night every 2-3 hours.

 Friday: Call pediatrician. we both agree that since he isn't dehydrated, and isnt getting worse it sounds like a nasty virus. I set a appointment for Saturday morning in case it gets worse Friday night. I'm exhausted. I take Cute Child to school. Have a brief chat with a friend. Meet up with electrician who is there to fix hot water heater. Meet 3 gardeners I've hired to cut down branches from 2 huge trees in our backyard. It's raining the whole time, and I oversee them cutting 4 big branches.. The tree cutter has stripped down to his boxers, and climbs up the tree, so high he's level with the roof of our house, and I just pray that he doesn't die or paralyze himself in a fall. He's cutting everything down with a machete, and swears he is "okay madame, everything is sasa, okay!". *sigh. I get a cup of rooisbos and watch him from under my umbrella, praying. I run off to Christmas party at Cute Child's school. Santa is coming and giving the kids a present, but Cute Child has gotten upset because Christmas is Jesus' birthday, and "Where, (wail) is JESUS!!?!!". After calming him down a bit, he gets really into the Santa thing, and loves his car that Santa brought. Baby Brother still sick but a bit better. By evening we have hot water, kids get a good bath. Lights go off (no electricity) at 8pm. And Baby Brother pukes all over me for what feels like the 10th time that week. Disgusting. It's pouring rain, which is calming, but it's been raining so much I'm feeling a bit sad now. Hot husband and I go to sleep early- 9pm. I still am awake doing paracetemol suppositories to keep the fever and vomiting at bay every 4-4.5 hours.

 Okay- so this is feeling long and tedious. There are probably a lot of little things in my life that would make it different then the average American's. Like, when I say I am going shopping I have to add in more time, because of all the security checks. They check my car for bombs, check my diaper bag for bombs, la la la la. But outside of those little things, my life, I think, is like a lot of stay at home moms. I have the luxery of having Doris. But I have the not-so-luxury of having frequent power cuts, no hot water, rationed water in general, and crappy virus' that attack my kids' health. (Good thing, Cute Child has been healthy for several months now- I think his system is so strong after over 2 years of living here... they both are going to have amazing immune systems when they get older!!).

 I would love to know if this brings up questions about my life? Is this what you thought it was like?

 I think there are some things I don't even realize are different any more and I am just on auto pilot with them, and don't even think to mention them. Like I text Hot Husband after the Italian restaurant and him after the Thankgsiving dinner, because we were driving home in the dark, and it's good to know that the other is on the road in case of hijackings, just a simple security thing that we do.

 All in all, we love our life here. Last week was not as fun. I didn't get as much exercise in as normal, as many fun things with kids and friends, as many prayer dates as normal.. But I really do love things here even with those crazy things.

( I just went to post this and the electricity has gone off while typing this. How ironic. I can only laugh!!)

Some random pictures from the last couple months..

Reality

The reality of my world here sometimes just hits me upside the head. There are often things that we are thinking through, going through, living through that I would love to talk about with everyone- but somehow there's nothing like a downer or big dose of reality on facebook. I like to leave facebook for more chipper or simple comments and updates.

For instance, two days after the most amazing vacation in Bath with friends that I could have ever have dreamed in my wildest dreams (and no, this time I'm not exaggerating!), I got a message from friends of our up north...

He's a montanan, married to a Kenyan, and they are true lovers of people. Unorthodox missionaries of sorts.

The message was for Hot Husband and I to pray for them, they'd just gotten word that a fellow pastor/preacher/friend had been preaching in Somalia and was beheaded.

Wait. Did i read that right? Did you read that right? Do people still get beheaded? Yep. Just like John the Baptist.

*sigh. So, today, if you think of this man's family, if you think of the many amazing people who are willing to risk everything so that someone might hear of the love of God and potentially surrender their heart to it, ask Father to wrap His arms around them, to comfort them, and to protect them.

Toi Market, Matumba Market : Info and How To...

According to Wikipedia: "The Toi market is located in the outskirts of Kibera slum, Nairobi, Kenya. Before it was razed by marauding gangs during post-election violence in early 2008, it is was one of the largest informal markets in Nairobi, with over 5000 traders. It mainly sells clothes, but also vegetables and other small accessories.[1] [2]-
It lies on a bystreet to Ngong Road which runs almost the length of Nairobi, from the Langata area into the center of the city"

The front part of Toi closest to Ngong road, which is separated by a short bit of walking from Toi and has probably 150 stalls, and who knows how many traders, is called Matumba (not sure of spelling). I go there often.

Toi Market is one of my favorite parts of living here in Nairobi. I need to go in and take pictures sometime so that you can see it... But Kenyans aren't too fond of cameras at times, and the market is definitely one of those places where you go to shop, not make a scene. Particularly since shopping in general in Nairobi is making a scene.

When entering be prepared to say, "No, thank you.", "No.", "I'm not interested", and even "Please leave me alone", at least several dozen times. There are a few times I have gone in and have managed to mercifully avoid anyone heckling to get me to buy something. It's just not the way things are done here. Everyone wants you to buy their stuff, "Sister/Madame/Mama, come have a look." Everything is bartering, and everything is negotiable. It's the walk away game, but at the end of the day- if what you are bartering for is something you really want, you won't see it again, so you best just deal with the price you got the seller down to (instead of your ideal price) and don't walk away for good.

I was thinking yesterday as I was getting ready to go there that I should write about what I do when I go in. I was just doing a short trip- to get crocs for my nephew. Crocs are sold in abundance, and only slightly used. They run between 350-550 KES (depending on who you are buying from, what the mood is of the day, and how many other muzungus or buyers are out.)

I wear my older clothes, and nothing too conspicuous. If I'm going to buy shirts/dresses, I wear a modest tank top, so that I can try shirts on top of my tank. Comfy walking shoes- sturdy are important. If there's been any rains the ground is really soft and sometimes very muddy. Rains or not, the ground is uneven, with rocks and pieces of wood, and whatever in the walking aisles. The stalls are so close together that most of the time you can't see the sky, and if you have claustrophobia or a horrible sense of direction I can imagine it would be slightly overwhelming and scary at times.

I also switch out my iphone for a small simple phone, and take an old purse with me that zips on the top. I only bring small bills/coins, and keep them in separate pockets so i don't bring out the wad of small bills together at any time. I do not bring ID, passport, credit card, or anything on me of value except the cash to go shopping with.

Parking at a nearby shopping strip (Adams Arcade), I walk in from the street and around the corner, and go in from there. It's quite the experience. For many expats in Nairobi, it can be easy to forget that you are living in Africa, so wide is the gap of economic wealth, and the rising middle class is becoming more and more. But on entry of the market, the hole in the ground with black pan of fish being fried, the stalls, and sellers yelling, the produce, and buckets of beans, rice, lentils, and spices- and I feel like I'm nearer the Africa I know and love.

In Toi Market I routinely buy crocs for the kids, converse all star sneakers, and shirts for myself. I have found brand new jumpers (sweatshirts), jeans, shoes, sweat pants, onesies, pajamas, sweaters, and more. I don't know if England donates it's clothes to Africa thinking that it will end up donated, or if stores in the UK sell to African dealers- whatever the case 90% of the items in the market are from UK brands, and in UK sizing. Monsoon is a current favorite of mine, and I've picked out Zara items as well in the past.

While there isn't much in the way of clothes shopping in Nairobi- Toi serves to fulfull our shopping needs in between any trips 'back home'.

Little bits of my creative lament.

I'm fairly creative. I love to make things, arrange things, organize things, cut things out, write things down, paint pretty things- I always have flowers on at least one table in the house. (Especially since moving here where I can get 22 roses- I have no idea why they only sell 22 instead of 24- for 150kes, the equivalent of just under $2.00. )

And this is why the layout of my blog bugs me. It bugs me that it's not prettier, more creative. The font, the ... well everything drives me crazy. Which is why I change it up every 4-6 months.

This is why my house bugs me. I'm incredibly blessed to have a house. I know this. I'm blessed to have couches and chairs, and carpets. But the pattern on my couch cushions is the same of one of Bill Cosby's sweaters, and the color of the couches in general is one I would never choose (rust red). I'm a water, earth, sky sort of gal. *sigh.

I have friends who have etsy stores (at least 7 of them just off the top of my head). I have friends who run photography businesses (12 off the top of my head). I have musicians as friends (can't even count how many) who you can actually buy their music on itunes.

This is my lament of the desire to be more creative, and the thousands of excuses of why I am not. We could start with my children and husband being my top priorities and them being extremely all-encompassing. Or how the last 5 weeks I've been sick in bed an average of 3 out of 7 days a week. I could end with how being here in Africa churns the creativity at every moment of stillness- but that unless you have the instrument in your hands (I don't have a piano- and an old beat up one costs at least $1,000USD) the canvas (I can't find any, anywhere!) on your easel, the fabric in your market (Kenya does not have good textiles- outside of the kikoy)... I find it very difficult to church out my creativity.

My prayer tonight:
Father help me to be more creative with what I have around me. Help me to take the leap and prioritize creating things at the risk of other things not getting finished. Help me to see things fresh and anew and help my eyes to not be dulled to the rush of living. Reawaken the creativity inside of me once again...

In pictures...

Easter...

i love easter. and this year, being in a developing nation where dead bodies are much more seen and dying is a whole community thing (we get requests weekly to help someone pay for the burial of a loved one), the whole idea of joyous, miraculous resurrection and the sorrow that the disciples and friends must have felt when He died- it left me pondering for days! add onto that the dying of a missionary friend here (shot and killed in a home invasion) a few months ago, and a couple other acquaintances and friends of friends, and death is just very real here. i think that may be one reason that Easter is not as 'real' to the church in the US.

selah.

also, here friday and monday are national holidays. on monday, a security guard at the supermarket looked at me in the eyes, gave me a huge grin, and with his free hand (the other holding an AK47) said to me, "Happy Easter, Madame!". (yes, it took me totally off guard, but made me smile) On Palm Sunday all the cars and matatus (bus taxis) had palm fronds stuck in the grills and rear wipers...

anyways, that's a little bit of why i enjoyed it so much. we had a normal service at church, a nice lunch at our pastors house (serving a south american dish, which was delish!), a skype call with friends in Chile and DC, and homemade ice cream with friends at our house for dinner. nothing too special or crazy- but the very essense of Africa, mixed in with the knowledge of Him and His sacrifice- that made it all the more amazing.

Simple Woman's Daybook April 2, 2011

Women with just picked tea leaves near Kisii, Kenya, 2010

Simple Woman's Daybook stuff taken from Charis- one of my favorites, and besties, even though we've lived far apart for, well most ever-http://www.charisscofield.com/

Today:

Outside my window: Dark night. There is no electricity down the side of the hill from our house (though ours is on right now), so it's just inky black darkness outside. The huge acacia's and other african trees are rustling in a quiet night breeze. Since we're at the equator, the time never changes, the days always start at the same time, and end at the same time. Roughly 630am and 630pm. Currently we are 7 hours ahead of the east coast, USA. It's still bizarre to me that my family is in the early afternoon right now, and in the hour I'll be getting ready to go to bed.

I am thinking: How quickly time is going. How much I want to accomplish. How every day matters. How I love my family so much. All my men. My boys, Hot Husband. *sigh. I'm such a blessed woman!

I am thankful: That I get to live here. That we get to have these adventures. That even in all the chaos going on in the world, I know, that I was, and my children were, made for such a time as this. There is no mistake about any thing. The things that my children are being exposed to, learning and seeing now, will make them more aware, and more compassionate. I pray that theirs will be a voice in the wilderness, "prepare ye the way of the Lord", and a voice for the widow, the orphan, the refugee and the forgotten.

Remembering: How much I love Montana summers. If there is one thing I wish I could give my children, it's a month every year in August or July in northwest Montana. Among so many things would be to swim in Macgregor or Flathead Lake. The other night I was thinking about how after swimming I used to sit on the dock for hours in the early evening, and watch the water skippers dance on the top of the water, and the waves and movement of the dock get eerily still as night set in. I would always smell my arm, cool and dry. Something about the smell of my skin after swimming in a Montana lake- I love that smell.

From the learning rooms: I am moving through fear. There were 3 updates from the US Warden this week on Security. With only a month in between us and Ebel and Lora... I found myself sinking into fear. Talking to a dear friend who just went through some counseling because of all of this... Her counsellor told her that one of the main things that we deal with in grief when it's trauma related is fear. It was a relief, and a confirmation to me to hear that I am not too emotional or something.. but that is actually part of the stage of processing I'm in. That being said, I am not staying in it, not giving it a foothold and not dwelling on things... Today and tonight I feel such Peace. (thank you Father)

From the kitchen: There are not the same items here for cooking as back 'home'. Most everything is made from scratch. Lately my favorite staple has been homemade granola with chopped fresh, sweet mango on top. Absolutely delicious. Makes me smile just thinking about it. Simple is just best.

I am wearing: (besides my clothes) My wedding ring and my engagement ring. Along with my single pearl ring to remind me of the great price. (Matthew 13:44-45). This isn't normal here. Many expat women I know don't wear much more then a single gold band. I've made peace with the fact that mine could get stolen. And I make sure and leave them at home if going to the market. But for the most part, my rings are such a labor of love from my husband. He worked so hard to get me these rings, to show that I'm his. I wear them proudly- I am his!

I am creating: more of a comfortable home. After over 15 moves since 1997, I realized this past few months that I've slowly given up really moving in to places. We as a couple haven't lived in a place with colored painted walls in 6 years. And my children have never had painted walls. Just white. We need to hang pictures, buy rugs, get cozy. Create a home!!!

I am going: to beautiful Jenni's wedding in August in Bath, England. I want to enjoy every bit of it. Even if I have Little Brother strapped to me the entire time. I'm praying that somehow I will be able to fully enjoy myself, even with my mommy responsibilities.

I am reading: blogs, because my kindle broke last week. :( But a new one will somehow get to me soon. It's at my parents house waiting!

I am hoping: for a beach holiday. for the 20 pounds I need to lose to go.

One of my favorite things: When Hot Husband wears his Diesel jeans. That's one nice ass, babe. :)

Picture of the week: (but since nothing's been downloads, we'll use this)
Flamingo's, one year ago today on a drive we took enroute Tobaca:

My favorite gift.

Okay, so I'm not sure if this item is my favorite gift *of all time* or not. There may have been something else I've received that trumped this... But I can't actually think of what that would be.

About a month before we left NYC/NJ for good 'ol Nairobi, my hot husband thought of a brilliant solution to my refusal to keep carting books from house to house, let alone country to country. He bought me a kindle. OOOOOOOOohhhhhhh, yes. I love it. I loved it pretty much immediately.

The first thing I got was the entire collection of Jane Austen books for $1.99. Oh the joy!

I then bought a cover.

Last week I had my kindle in my purse from my time at Java house with my Monday morning decaf latte. (I'm currently reading a book that has the potential to change my life. really.) Hot Husband needed something from the purse, brought it upstairs, and then instead of carrying the purse back downstairs, dropped it from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor. It was in the case. But for some reason, this drop must have put the kindle on it's side and well.. the top 1/3 of the screen it looks like is broken. The ink is all muddled. Kind of like an etchosketch.

We called Amazon. Told them the story. And the lady says... "Well it could be that when you dropped it, it broke the screen... but more likely is that it's just a flaw in the manufacturing of the Kindle." and then... "Your warranty is 3 months past it's expiration but I'll make an exception and get a new Kindle to you immediately." !!!!!

We then explained that we can't receive large items like that in the post here in Kenya (they'll get stolen or we would be charged an insane amount to receive it), so it would take us a bit to figure out how to get it to us here. And since that is the case, we wouldn't be able to send the old one back within 30 days. To which she says, "Oh, no problem. We don't really need the old one, I'll also waive that requirement." !!!!!!

In a land where the customer service is somewhat nonexistent over half of the time, where good service is so rare I can count it on one hand the situations I've had, this was a breath of fresh air to our weary and wary souls. OH THE BLISS!

Thanks God for Amazon, for wonderful customer service, for shiny brand new Kindles.


I'll leave you all with a photo that has nothing to do with this post. A praying mantis on Hot Husband's toothbrush. :)

Saturday afternoon drive...

Since we are here on Hot Husband's working visa (the rest of us all having dependent passes), we can get into the ah-mazing national parks here in Kenya for about 1,000KES. This is the equivalent of around $12.00. Ni-ice. So on Saturday, when Hot Husband's Mt Kenya climbing partner came down with Malaria symptoms and was in bed with a high fever, their trip cancelled... We loaded up the kids and went for a ride in Nairobi National Park. It's only about 20kms away from us, and is a peaceful, safe way to spend an afternoon driving around.

The rains have started here, and the whole night on Friday was spent with power outages, and pounding, pouring rain. The morning dawned and by 10 it was sunny and humid... Perfect animal watching weather. We packed a picnic and got into the park by 11. We saw tons of rhino- unfortunately too far to get a real good shot, but still close enough to really enjoy it. And then these 2 lionesses just sunny themselves on the side of the road. When we started to turn around to leave- one of them had rolled on to her back to give her belly a tan. What a sight! Just made us both giggle like kids watching her. Absolutely stunning and so much fun!

This is one of the things that is so great about living in Nairobi- being able to go out and experience the great outdoors is really very easy. There are a 100 things to do, and being able to do a game drive just in an afternoon (we were done in the game park by 4) is such a blessing- especially when you have little ones with short attention spans, and need just half day outings.

Children

I've just been thinking...

Being a mom (or being a parent, but I'm a mom so we'll stick with that for now) is one of the most rewarding and challenging things I think a person could ever do. The fitful sleepless nights, the body changes, the pains, the incredible amount of information and opinion on what is the right discipline, what is the right sleep method, eat method, car seat, stroller (push chair), even which way a kid should face in the stroller can become a topic of advice and is completely overwhelming and has brought many a mother to tears. It's non-ending the amount of decisions that come with raising a child.



And yet it's amazing how perfectly natural it all comes. With the first kid everything feels like an event. Changing a diaper is an event. Feeding is an event. But by the second one, you go into auto pilot for most things. You can change a diaper in your sleep, with your eyes shut (almost). You know the sound of a pacifier falling out of a mouth from across the house and how many > seconds you have till the baby starts crying. The moments when your children spontaneously laugh at something you say or do never gets old. The delight and wonder they experience -daily- at discovering new things, keeps us young, brings us back to being children ourselves.



The intense mothering instinct to protect, to make children not run with pencils or chopsticks ("you'll poke your eye out"), to hide them from rejection, bullies, pain or suffering, leads us to deeper levels with Father God a thousand moments a day. The beautiful blush of pride that will be worn on your tired face when your child stands at the top of the slide, hill, stage, or in front of his latest piece of art will give you small glimpses into the great pleasure that we give our Father. Yeah, so I don't get hours of quiet time, and I barely have sat through a Sunday morning service at church in 3 years- but the amount of revelation I experience daily on how my Father loves me is amazing. It's non-regrettable. It's deep. It's perfect. It's exactly the way it should be! (For now at least- I do look forward to returning to an entire church service!)

Hot Husband and I commented with Cute Child that it (becoming a parent) was the steepest and fastest learning curve a person could ever go through. But it gets easier, and then just when it does, you look at one another and say... "let's have another one". And then, Lawd Have Mercy. You start it all over again... only this time it's a bit easier.

Indescribable

On Thursday, the day after the last post, I was in a car accident. Hit from behind, quite hard. The baby slept through it (I was taking him for his 4 month check up at his pediatrician), but I got pretty bad whiplash. Still aching from it, but my heart is aching more for what happened the next day.

First, let it be known that as I was driving, I kept hearing this voice saying that I was going to get in a car accident. At one point I said aloud, "In the name of Jesus, I pray for protection Holy Spirit and your angels, over myself, baby, and this car.". Not 5 minutes later we were hit from behind.

Okay so theologically, how do I interpret that? ....
Yeah, I don't know either. All I know is that next time, I'm just turning around and going home.

The next day, started out normal. Until I had several missed calls on my phone from our pastor at Karen Vineyard Church, Doug. I'm in charge of intercessory prayer for the church, a program called Pray10. He asked if Hot Husband was in town or away on business. (in town). He asked me to sit down. I asked if he was okay, and he said no, not at all.

Then he told me about a beautiful family in our church. Ebel, Lora and kids. (the kids names aren't in the news and so I think I won't mention them here either). They are a Dutch family, who have this amazing vision of building family homes for orphans. Meaning, homes in with families to take care of many orphans at once- in the same community setting. They live out in Athi River, 50kms from Nairobi, on a YWAM base. Ebel was building 8 more houses in order to receive more children.

Doug told me that the house was burglarized, Ebel shot, dead, in front of the children. Lora is okay he said, but she was taken advantage of.
shock. silence. dead. no breath. the world stood still. my vision blurry. my mind numb. my hands slack, then fists, then slack again...

I hung up my phone with Doug, and felll to the floor, on my face, laid out for Him. Sobbing snot into our rug. News like this hits you in the face, you cry and then you stop- it seems so unreal- and then another wave of reality hits and you sob more. I got up and wrote to my intercessors. And then I sat and thought of two friends who are very dear to Lora and Ebel. And wondered if they knew. One did, the other did not, and I had the awful horrible task of calling and telling them the news.

Last weekend and then most of this week has been a blur. Phone calls, planning (we did a memorial service on Sunday), praying, (so much praying), updating, processing.. laying in bed and hugging my husband so close, and then staring into the dark room of what Lora has lost- trying to see what God is saying in the middle of all of this why, and what if, and madness. On Thursday we did a prayer time for a few ladies in the church. OH the sweet richness of unity. Bringing comfort, peace, and strength to us all.

I'm better. Though my friend described it perfectly... "the shock has worn off, the deep throes of grief are ebbing... and today i feel moody. incredibly moody.".

I don't have much else to say. I just want you to know what my life has looked like here in the last week. I don't have any great revelations or words of wisdom.

I do know this though, satan never wins. And in a situation like Lora and Ebel's where it looks on every front as if satan has won... I just remember that God always, ALWAYS has the final say. I'm waiting to see what comes out of this- the gold and beauty will astound us all.
I know it.

You've Come A Long Way Baby...

It's a new year! Okay, so almost 2 months into the new year, but still, YAY!!! I was thinking about where I was personally when I started writing this blog... I was sad, disgruntled, lonely, and aching for the bits and pieces of what I felt- but never saw. Always reaching never touching. I lived in New Jersey for goodness sakes. For some it may be all fine and dandy, for me, a personal barren wasteland.

Now I'm blissfully settled into Nairobi, loving being a mum (yes mum, I say it in my head now even), getting to wear flip flops year round, and going to baby/toddler play groups all week long. I'm exhausted most all the time, needing a nap continually, and up in the night more then I care to count. But...

Something has happened to me. I want to do more things. I have become coordinator for prayer at our church. It no longer overwhelms me to try and take on more things. Potty train Cute Child? BRING IT ON. Rearrange the entire house? GO AHEAD, TRY ME!

Yeah, something has shifted. Hot husband is busy busy busy with work, but it's not awful like it was before Christmas. And I have general hope for the future... I have this sense that God has not forgotten us, and that all these random things in our lives the past several years-they've not been random at all, but part of some glorious beautiful picture that I will some day get to see and marvel at. Heck, I'm already marveling.

Introducing: Little Brother!

Bits and Pieces...

I'm sitting here typing to the background noise of Elmo's world video, and my 2 year old, Cute Child, is randomly screaming into the living room air "ANMIMALS!" and "MISTUH NOOODUL"... I figure it's a good time to do a short update.

This morning when I went to my doctor here, I told her for the first time (I know, I know, even she said I should have mentioned it months ago) about the nightmares, the anxiety/panic attacks, and the vitamins I'm taking. She asked me to explain in detail what it all is like, what I feel, don't feel, etc. And then she said with such firm resolve, that this is completely classic thyroid problems, and promptly wrote a script for me to go into the lab downstairs and get a full work up for my thyroid. I did this a few years ago, and it cost my insurance company in the US something over a 1,000USD. I paid cash this morning, it was 4,700KES. That's like 55USD folks. 2 things: why on earth is it so expensive in the States for blood work? and. I wonder if all of this is a thyroid related problem!!?

In 3 hours we will be at the airport here, picking my parents up. I'm so excited, and not just for the suitcases full of goodies. (such as the 16oz of medium cheddar cheese she is bringing!!!) I'm really excited to see them, for Cute Child to play with them. For the help with getting our new house ready, and the new baby.

Speaking of... I think we have chosen a name for the baby. :) But I will leave you all in suspense. Sorry, but it's been quiet up till now, why not wait till he comes!?

And soon, soon folks I will post pictures of our new house. Yes, an actual house. Stand alone. Not even a town house!! It's in a 9 house compound. SOooo excited! Tomorrow I think we will plant some grass there, pick up some paint, decide how to paint the kitchen cupboards and built in closets. (white). I just found out that there are no rollers here. Just paint brushes. REALLY wish I had known this a week ago, it would have been easy for my parents to throw that stuff in their suitcases! Oh well.

Anxiety, Curses.

We live in an incredibly active spiritual, supernatural world. Whether you like it or not. Whether you are in Canada, United States, DRC, or Kenya. However, when you are here, and random weird things start happening, that seem to be happening to no one else... sometimes it's worth considering the idea that it is possible someone has gone to a witch doctor and attempted to put a curse on you, your house, your cat, or whatever. Sounds much more freaky then it actually it is. But that's only if you don't have Jesus. ;)

We've been struggling with rats/mice for the past several months. About 2 weeks ago, I suddenly realized, 'how is it that out of 45 apartments in our compound, we are the ONLY ones with this problem?!'. So Hot Husband and I began to pray. . . anointed the house with oil, etc. And no more rats or mice... at least inside the house. . There has been some evidence of them outside on the window ledge. I can't say for sure either way what the dealio is. But I can say, it's definitely worth considering these things.

A friend of mines guard had his little girl die in the night, she was 2. According to his village tradition if someone dies, it's ALWAYS someone elses fault. This guard decided that it was his coworker, my friends house help. They're from the same village. The guard then went to a witch doctor and placed a curse on the house help. Now her house is in a bit of chaos. She fired the guard yesterday.

Stepping back out of these things a bit. I'm having weird dreams. For several months. Where I wake up completely overcome with stress. Anxiety. Though I pray, renounce, or whatever... it still can take several minutes to snap out of it. Lately it can happen in the daytime as well. Last night when it happened Hot Husband was trying to get me to relax while praying for me, and though I was relaxing all of my body to the best of my ability- my muscles were still tense. It took about an hour for me to fully snap out of it. It can often happen when I'm on the computer. I have come at it from every angle, and when I'm not struggling, I have no fear, no anxiety, I'm not stressed... The anxiety, even when in it, is completely nonsensical. Last night I started to wonder if this is a chemical/hormonal thing having to do with pregnancy. It simply has no basis for its existence. Because of that, it's either some sort of curse, or some sort of chemical imbalance.

At any rate, I ask that if you read this that you pray for me. That this would not be something I struggle with any longer, and that the baby would be protected from it. That I would not have this during labor and delivery. That if there is a supernatural element to it, it would be broken, and we would have wisdom to what is going on!

Aha! :

I was thinking after I wrote this, since all this morning, and this afternoon I've been having this sort of anxiety mind numbing, muscle tensing body sensations... And realizing two things. 1. It is happening purely to my body, if I check in with my spirit or my emotions, they are not in a state of turmoil or stress. 2. I've been taking a lot of vitamins, including a Shaklee immunity booster- Nutriferon in order to not get any more sick then I already am.
This is has made me wonder- Are the vitamins and their mixture causing a chemical reaction with my hormones? Definitely worth cutting them out for now at least!!!!

24 hours later:

haven't had a single "episode" today. and i'd say today i've had much more reason to. (more on that later). no nutriferon in about 30 hours... i'm more and convinced the nutriferon had something to do with it. whatever the case, i'm just feeling more 'sane' today! thank you Jesus! thanks for praying!

The Promenade: they don't make'm like this any more

John Mark McMillan is a worship leader that has inspired and led Hot Husband and I into worship many times, and we've never heard him live. Just from his recordings. One of the reasons is because his songwriting is very raw, real, and we can relate. He has a blog that I link to here, and his latest post I will paste below. I found it oh so true.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010
they don't make'm like this any more
The ability to genuinely connect with a person's heart and draw them into a real-time conversation with God seems to have become a dying art form. It's just not something you can learn at a conference or program into your set. It comes from a deep well and is cultivated over years. That means it's time consuming and expensive. Maybe that's why it's become so rare. Our cheap and easy "just add water" worship programs probably serve a purpose, but I can't help but wish there were more people like this guy on the planet.

Something about this video takes me back to a time when I was less cynical. I hope one day I can make music that does the same thing for people.

3 weeks

pictures below of me @ 37 weeks pregnant, cute child just 2 years, and hot husband- on a weekend trip into rural kenya. we went hiking at hell's gate, and it ended up being a bit of scaling walls and such. quite the challenge! on the way home i bought about 15 pounds of rhubarb for 7USD on the side of the road. it was a lot of rhubarb! :)






We have 3 weeks, more or less, until our 4th member of the family arrives. What will his name be? What does God have for him? What personality will he have? Will he be a lot like Cute Child? Will he be totally different? Will the labor and delivery go easily? Will Cute Child adjust easily?

My doctor is pleased with my progress, where the baby is, and last week only wanted to see me in 2 weeks time. It's great not being high risk like I was with Cute Child. It's great having a laid back doctor. It's great having babies that descend the way they're supposed to, and I'm praying for an even easier labor and delivery then what I had the first time.

My parents are coming for a visit on the 8th. I'm very excited to see them!

I'm already anticipating the upcoming Christmas holiday in the States. Almost a year has gone by since I've been in my homeland. And yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our arrival here in Kenya. Seems like a dream. I would say it's gone by quickly, but actually, I don't know that it has. It's been good, but definitely challenging.

I've been really struggling with having hired help here. Don't get me wrong, I love Doris. She cleans, she cooks a little, she watches Cute Child. She has started coming to play groups with me, so that I don't have to do so much lifting and chasing after my 2 year old. It's saving my back, and I've been able to sleep much better the last 3 weeks since having her come along, as well as stop getting sick. (I've been on antibiotics, watched closely for chest infection and other infections- strict orders to rest a lot!)

But there are downsides to having help. There is guilt. Guilt that you aren't spending enough time with your child. Guilt that maybe you are too lazy to clean your own house. Guilt that you should be a better wife and mother. Guilt. Then there is the issue that no matter what, your help never will do things the exact way that you want them done. She will sometimes think that you don't really want what you just asked for and do things her way anyways. She will sometimes not understand your language and speech and instead of question you, will just do what she thinks is right or what she thinks you might have you said anyways. You will have to share a house with another woman for many hours in the day, when sometimes you just want to be alone.

I sometimes wonder if I will be able to do this in the States. Will I be a good mother even without her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I a good mother now even with her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I okay?

Last year when we arrived here there were so many things that struck me. Right away I realized it wasn't as nice as South Africa, but by no means living in Mozambique. I realized that the grocery store had so little of what I was used to, and that my entire style of cooking was going to have to change. Within 1 month I lost 6 pounds, and we all had stomach flu from adjusting to the bugs! I remember walking out of the airport, around 10pm at night, and there were palm trees everywhere- this really surprised me, since we are over 6,000 feet elevation. Hot Husband and I walked everywhere those first few months, taking random taxi rides here and there. Everything was in major drought, and immediately I had to get used to the power cuts, in a tiny sparsely furnished apartment with a 13 month old, and no friends to call on. It quickly got busier, and we made friends, but those first couple months were filled with so much transition, so many changes. What an adventure!

I have no idea what is next. Hot Husband may get into a prestigious program in DC, he may not. If not, we are totally not sure what is coming up for us. We both look forward to the new thing, but to be honest, even if the new thing is still here in Nairobi, we're okay with staying here a few more years. We are not feeling antsy about being here, and are okay. Yeah, sure there are ridiculous cultural things we face, and it can get lonely, being away from so many friends and family. But at the end of the day, the bonuses of having an okay family/work life balance, copious amounts of sunshine and outdoor play, amazing adventure travel at our doorstep (next year we are planning a lot more trips- including Hot Husband climbing Mt Kenya, and possibly Kilamanjaro), and fresh cheap homemade smoothies every morning in our kitchen... These things are so wonderful and we are really enjoying life here.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, for us, living here, it just depends on what part of the fence we are walking along...

Little bits of Sunday morning...

It's Sunday morning, and no I'm not at church. Hot husband is coordinating the service this morning (like MC'ing) and Cute Child and I are staying home. There's no Sunday school this month, so it would be like me going and doing nothing but running around outside after my child, kinda useless if you ask me. In that vein, it's much more worthwhile to stay home, write a blog, relax, watch some Veggie Tales, and play with Cute Child.

We've been super busy getting ready for the new kid, (I'm 32 weeks), saying goodbye to 2 more couples that were friends that have moved back to their home countries, and making new friends. We've been budgeting like mad, saving everywhere we can, and praying that Hot Husband's job would make some wise decisions about the new exchange rate, etc. Though they have and we will be getting a bit more every month, if we look at his original contract we are discouraged at what they said they'd do and what they haven't done. We're praying that our landlord doesn't increase the rent in November when our lease comes up. There is an element of stress in our lives in this area, and just typing this out makes me stressed. :(

Moving right along then. . . ;) I spent lots of time yesterday trying to figure out how to make homemade bread in high altitude conditions, with weird yeast and odd flour. Flour here is so confusing. At Nakumatt (the main large grocery store- closest thing we have to WalMart) there is literally an entire wall of an aisle dedicated to different kinds of flour. I kid you not. Ugali flour, Chapati flour, Doughnut flour, Bread flour, White flour, etc... *sigh. It is not uncommon to see Muzungus (white people) standing in the aisle, blankly staring at all the options, confused, flabbergasted, and overwhelmed. It's the one thing here that we have lots of choice on.

This may not seem much to anyone else- but- we were at Chandarana (an Kenyan Indian grocery store, smaller then Nakumatt but with much more specialized items, and a great selection of imported chocolate- oh and the novelty, bagels!) the other night and they had my favorite cereal. Post, Banana Nut Crunch. Hot Husband brought me a box home after his trip to the States in June, I brought a box back last Christmas. I love it that much. When I saw it, I literally gasped, and did a whoop of joy! I think the Kenyans around me all jumped. I then proceeded to grab 4 boxes, at 495sh a box. This is about 7USD, each. I thought maybe I'd regret spending so much on this cereal, but honestly I don't, not at all. I've enjoyed every single bowl of goodness since then. Sometimes you just have to go for it, if it's something you love, that's from your home country, you can't put a price on it.

I've been watching my weight pretty closely. With Cute Child I gained 45 pounds. *gasp, I know, you're shocked. Don't be. I lived in Cambridge, and was eating anything I chose- though in moderation, and with plenty of exercise... I still gained a ton. Here there is no convenience food (outside of my lovely new cereal) , and unless you are very focused, it is difficult to exercise as much as at home... And I've not been doing that at all very much. However, I'm right on track to gain 25 this time. :) You have no idea how happy this makes me. I do feel a difference, and it's amazing how differently I am carrying this baby compared to Cute Child. It's fascinating to me. I've also had different aches and pains then I had the first time around. I'm trying to stretch more,

-----

Our power went out on Sunday morning while writing the above, and stayed off the majority of the day. It's now Tuesday and I'm at home, Hot Husband out of town for a few days for work, and I'm feeling particularly down and melancholy. In fact I'm downright weepy. God, please say this is hormonal!? I went and tried to hang out with people today, but it just made me feel more of an alien in a strange land. It feels like sometimes, I hit a wall of 'i really don't belong here'. It's frustrating. Though I've never been this long out of my home country in one fell swoop (we're coming on 7.5 months), you'd think I would be fine! It's not like I'm living in rural africa, or in a tiny village! I haven't been a victim of violent crime, or even crime (minus my Muzungu neighbor who appears to have put his cat off on us, and just gave away 2 plants i was pretty certain I had bought from him- and already given him the money for this morning)... I should be fine! But - today - I am not.

I'm worried about parenting 2 children, transition, how Cute Child will respond to another kid in the house. About not being able to give him all the attention that he needs since I'll have another one to look after. I'm worried that parts of me are disappearing, and that I may not be anyone that I think I am.I'm worried that I'm too American, too loud, talk too much, and am just 'too much' for people here! I'm worried that no one likes me, and that I'll never find a group of people that I really connect with and 'get' me. I'm basically a ball of insecurity. I think I need to go take a walk and listen to some worship music, and get my heart back out of my head, get my spirit communing with His, and get my head back together.

Okay. I'm off to walk.