The Promenade: they don't make'm like this any more

John Mark McMillan is a worship leader that has inspired and led Hot Husband and I into worship many times, and we've never heard him live. Just from his recordings. One of the reasons is because his songwriting is very raw, real, and we can relate. He has a blog that I link to here, and his latest post I will paste below. I found it oh so true.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010
they don't make'm like this any more
The ability to genuinely connect with a person's heart and draw them into a real-time conversation with God seems to have become a dying art form. It's just not something you can learn at a conference or program into your set. It comes from a deep well and is cultivated over years. That means it's time consuming and expensive. Maybe that's why it's become so rare. Our cheap and easy "just add water" worship programs probably serve a purpose, but I can't help but wish there were more people like this guy on the planet.

Something about this video takes me back to a time when I was less cynical. I hope one day I can make music that does the same thing for people.

3 weeks

pictures below of me @ 37 weeks pregnant, cute child just 2 years, and hot husband- on a weekend trip into rural kenya. we went hiking at hell's gate, and it ended up being a bit of scaling walls and such. quite the challenge! on the way home i bought about 15 pounds of rhubarb for 7USD on the side of the road. it was a lot of rhubarb! :)






We have 3 weeks, more or less, until our 4th member of the family arrives. What will his name be? What does God have for him? What personality will he have? Will he be a lot like Cute Child? Will he be totally different? Will the labor and delivery go easily? Will Cute Child adjust easily?

My doctor is pleased with my progress, where the baby is, and last week only wanted to see me in 2 weeks time. It's great not being high risk like I was with Cute Child. It's great having a laid back doctor. It's great having babies that descend the way they're supposed to, and I'm praying for an even easier labor and delivery then what I had the first time.

My parents are coming for a visit on the 8th. I'm very excited to see them!

I'm already anticipating the upcoming Christmas holiday in the States. Almost a year has gone by since I've been in my homeland. And yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our arrival here in Kenya. Seems like a dream. I would say it's gone by quickly, but actually, I don't know that it has. It's been good, but definitely challenging.

I've been really struggling with having hired help here. Don't get me wrong, I love Doris. She cleans, she cooks a little, she watches Cute Child. She has started coming to play groups with me, so that I don't have to do so much lifting and chasing after my 2 year old. It's saving my back, and I've been able to sleep much better the last 3 weeks since having her come along, as well as stop getting sick. (I've been on antibiotics, watched closely for chest infection and other infections- strict orders to rest a lot!)

But there are downsides to having help. There is guilt. Guilt that you aren't spending enough time with your child. Guilt that maybe you are too lazy to clean your own house. Guilt that you should be a better wife and mother. Guilt. Then there is the issue that no matter what, your help never will do things the exact way that you want them done. She will sometimes think that you don't really want what you just asked for and do things her way anyways. She will sometimes not understand your language and speech and instead of question you, will just do what she thinks is right or what she thinks you might have you said anyways. You will have to share a house with another woman for many hours in the day, when sometimes you just want to be alone.

I sometimes wonder if I will be able to do this in the States. Will I be a good mother even without her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I a good mother now even with her doing my dishes and cleaning my house? Am I okay?

Last year when we arrived here there were so many things that struck me. Right away I realized it wasn't as nice as South Africa, but by no means living in Mozambique. I realized that the grocery store had so little of what I was used to, and that my entire style of cooking was going to have to change. Within 1 month I lost 6 pounds, and we all had stomach flu from adjusting to the bugs! I remember walking out of the airport, around 10pm at night, and there were palm trees everywhere- this really surprised me, since we are over 6,000 feet elevation. Hot Husband and I walked everywhere those first few months, taking random taxi rides here and there. Everything was in major drought, and immediately I had to get used to the power cuts, in a tiny sparsely furnished apartment with a 13 month old, and no friends to call on. It quickly got busier, and we made friends, but those first couple months were filled with so much transition, so many changes. What an adventure!

I have no idea what is next. Hot Husband may get into a prestigious program in DC, he may not. If not, we are totally not sure what is coming up for us. We both look forward to the new thing, but to be honest, even if the new thing is still here in Nairobi, we're okay with staying here a few more years. We are not feeling antsy about being here, and are okay. Yeah, sure there are ridiculous cultural things we face, and it can get lonely, being away from so many friends and family. But at the end of the day, the bonuses of having an okay family/work life balance, copious amounts of sunshine and outdoor play, amazing adventure travel at our doorstep (next year we are planning a lot more trips- including Hot Husband climbing Mt Kenya, and possibly Kilamanjaro), and fresh cheap homemade smoothies every morning in our kitchen... These things are so wonderful and we are really enjoying life here.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, for us, living here, it just depends on what part of the fence we are walking along...

Little bits of Sunday morning...

It's Sunday morning, and no I'm not at church. Hot husband is coordinating the service this morning (like MC'ing) and Cute Child and I are staying home. There's no Sunday school this month, so it would be like me going and doing nothing but running around outside after my child, kinda useless if you ask me. In that vein, it's much more worthwhile to stay home, write a blog, relax, watch some Veggie Tales, and play with Cute Child.

We've been super busy getting ready for the new kid, (I'm 32 weeks), saying goodbye to 2 more couples that were friends that have moved back to their home countries, and making new friends. We've been budgeting like mad, saving everywhere we can, and praying that Hot Husband's job would make some wise decisions about the new exchange rate, etc. Though they have and we will be getting a bit more every month, if we look at his original contract we are discouraged at what they said they'd do and what they haven't done. We're praying that our landlord doesn't increase the rent in November when our lease comes up. There is an element of stress in our lives in this area, and just typing this out makes me stressed. :(

Moving right along then. . . ;) I spent lots of time yesterday trying to figure out how to make homemade bread in high altitude conditions, with weird yeast and odd flour. Flour here is so confusing. At Nakumatt (the main large grocery store- closest thing we have to WalMart) there is literally an entire wall of an aisle dedicated to different kinds of flour. I kid you not. Ugali flour, Chapati flour, Doughnut flour, Bread flour, White flour, etc... *sigh. It is not uncommon to see Muzungus (white people) standing in the aisle, blankly staring at all the options, confused, flabbergasted, and overwhelmed. It's the one thing here that we have lots of choice on.

This may not seem much to anyone else- but- we were at Chandarana (an Kenyan Indian grocery store, smaller then Nakumatt but with much more specialized items, and a great selection of imported chocolate- oh and the novelty, bagels!) the other night and they had my favorite cereal. Post, Banana Nut Crunch. Hot Husband brought me a box home after his trip to the States in June, I brought a box back last Christmas. I love it that much. When I saw it, I literally gasped, and did a whoop of joy! I think the Kenyans around me all jumped. I then proceeded to grab 4 boxes, at 495sh a box. This is about 7USD, each. I thought maybe I'd regret spending so much on this cereal, but honestly I don't, not at all. I've enjoyed every single bowl of goodness since then. Sometimes you just have to go for it, if it's something you love, that's from your home country, you can't put a price on it.

I've been watching my weight pretty closely. With Cute Child I gained 45 pounds. *gasp, I know, you're shocked. Don't be. I lived in Cambridge, and was eating anything I chose- though in moderation, and with plenty of exercise... I still gained a ton. Here there is no convenience food (outside of my lovely new cereal) , and unless you are very focused, it is difficult to exercise as much as at home... And I've not been doing that at all very much. However, I'm right on track to gain 25 this time. :) You have no idea how happy this makes me. I do feel a difference, and it's amazing how differently I am carrying this baby compared to Cute Child. It's fascinating to me. I've also had different aches and pains then I had the first time around. I'm trying to stretch more,

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Our power went out on Sunday morning while writing the above, and stayed off the majority of the day. It's now Tuesday and I'm at home, Hot Husband out of town for a few days for work, and I'm feeling particularly down and melancholy. In fact I'm downright weepy. God, please say this is hormonal!? I went and tried to hang out with people today, but it just made me feel more of an alien in a strange land. It feels like sometimes, I hit a wall of 'i really don't belong here'. It's frustrating. Though I've never been this long out of my home country in one fell swoop (we're coming on 7.5 months), you'd think I would be fine! It's not like I'm living in rural africa, or in a tiny village! I haven't been a victim of violent crime, or even crime (minus my Muzungu neighbor who appears to have put his cat off on us, and just gave away 2 plants i was pretty certain I had bought from him- and already given him the money for this morning)... I should be fine! But - today - I am not.

I'm worried about parenting 2 children, transition, how Cute Child will respond to another kid in the house. About not being able to give him all the attention that he needs since I'll have another one to look after. I'm worried that parts of me are disappearing, and that I may not be anyone that I think I am.I'm worried that I'm too American, too loud, talk too much, and am just 'too much' for people here! I'm worried that no one likes me, and that I'll never find a group of people that I really connect with and 'get' me. I'm basically a ball of insecurity. I think I need to go take a walk and listen to some worship music, and get my heart back out of my head, get my spirit communing with His, and get my head back together.

Okay. I'm off to walk.

Missing but not Disappeared..

It's been a long break from blogging. I had a busy two weeks of getting the house ready and presentable for tons of in laws visiting, and then three weeks of the in laws all in town. This would be the parental in laws as well as the brother and sister in law.

The last couple weeks since them being gone has just involved us trying to catch up on everything around us. Hot Husband's return to his job after a nice vacation, should have meant a refreshed man, ready to start work up again. Instead he felt weary, and not ready to go back again. Argh. We are almost at two years with this job, he's climbed two levels, and done very well. Have we paid our dues? Almost!

I've been financially budgeting like mad, writing lists and looking up prices, trying to get things ready so that when the new baby comes, we will be able to go home for Christmas and afford the expenses that can occur when a new one comes into the family! It's very stressful, but I'm trying to just rest and have a different mindset towards money. ;)

We are cat sitting for our neighbors. I am indifferent towards cats, but don't think we'll ever have an indoor one. A few weeks cat visiting is fine, especially to eradicate any leftover remains of a rat problem, but long term.. hmm. No thanks.

I am 28 weeks, or 11 weeks and 4 days till I am due. It's a boy!!! Of which we are both really excited about. We don't have a name yet, but may have to name him earlier then his birth just for his plane ticket back for Christmas. lol. Um, that might be interesting! I feel large, but really compared to how much I gained with Cute Child am decidedly much smaller. I passed out at the hospital last week at the end of my gestational diabetes testing. Not one of the better experiences of my life, but I'm alive, and all is well.

I feel very blah today! I'm sorry, I know it is coming out in my writing- you're all thinking, "bor-ing!"... haha! Sorry!

It's hard to read everyone from back homes facebook status' about how their summers are going, and their vacations. It's winter here, and I spend most days with sweaters and slippers on. I was not prepared for how cold it gets here! At night it's the low 50's, and I'm sure it's been 47-50 a few times. The day times it says that it gets to low 70's but I think because the houses are not built for this kind of weather, they keep the cool of the night and sometimes our thermometer has not gotten past 65. Yuck! Lots of layers, and a hot water bottle, and cups of tea.

I'm feeling very out of sorts in regards to friendships. Two of our great 'family' friends have left in the last 2 months, (I wrote about the first one last post) and it makes our Christian circles different. We really need good Christian friends to be with. I feel lonely, and slightly without a purpose. Plus the 'nesting' instinct is coming on, but I have no way to nest. We have no shops to go and hit the sale racks and find a great deal... but then again, I don't exactly have a 'nesting' budget either right now!

Okay, I think I need to go move our car, there is a bit of a war going on for parking spaces in our parking area, and I think the new neighbors are cross that I'm in their spot, even though someone is in every spot I've ever been in, including my own. I'd like to start things on a good foot with them! Hopefully they aren't already too cross!

Raising kids in Kenya...

It's Sunday late afternoon, Cute Child is sleeping, Hot Husband is sleeping, and we just came back from a 2.5 hour lunch at a Kenyan Chinese Restaurant. Live soft rock music (we left to a remix of Madonna being sung), tons of dirty toys and jungle gyms, trampoline, etc to entertain kiddies, free ice cream at the end of the meal... All is well. It's becoming a after church tradition.

However with the 4 families that we've gotten to know the most- 2 are leaving. 1 family, from Quebec leaves tomorrow, and I fear Hot Husband is losing his closest friend here. :( It's the great exodus, and apparently it happens every two years, or sometimes once a year here. Expat communities are revolving doors, people in, people out. New faces, fresh off the "boat", with contracts that last between 1-5 years, missionary voluntary positions with mandatory year long furloughs, etc. the 2nd family leaves for the States for a whole year long furlough next month. Cute Child sat with their daughter- he just thinks she's so much fun- in the rocks (she's 2 years older, but loves him too) and they took handfuls of rocks and poured them over each others heads. To say Cute Child needs a bath and to soak his scalp is an understatement! The weather is starting to cool down here, but the sun has been out quite a bit nevertheless. It's days like today, where it's just a bit chilly, but the sun is shining brightly that remind me of a June day in Montana. It's nice.

I feel like we are in the season of transition here, people coming and going. Plus there is this cultural thing here where as soon as kids turn 2, they put them into school. Most of the times it's half days, and between 3-5 days a week. Most of Cute Child's friends in play groups are soon going to all be going to school, leaving him with much younger children. I find this incredibly odd. It's not like any of these mothers work here! (Even if they wanted to, visas are incredibly hard to obtain) My firm conviction is that I will only have this time with him for a very few short years, I want to spend every moment I can taking advantage of it. I am so honored and blessed to be able to not have to work, to be able to spend this time with my child(ren), why would I cart him off to some school, just because it's what everyone else is doing? That being said, I am praying for some (at least 1-2) other moms in my circle who feel the same as I so that he has friends at these play groups at a similar age. And it's been an excellent reminder to spend more quality time with Cute Child, treasuring every moment- it goes so fast.

This past week was a bit blah. I like blah. That means we didn't visit hospitals, or doctors, or have to administer dose after dose of medicine. The hives are still coming to the surface, though fewer, and farther between. Today his eyes were all puffy and swollen for about an hour, and then went down. I spent a lot of time trying to get things done this past week only to hit major brick walls. Either exhaustion or just closed doors. Yesterday though we hit the jackpot and bought an entire living room ensemble, and a guest bed and mattress. Now we have so much furniture, I can't figure out where to put it all. We went from a house that echoes, to one that is overcrowded. But I can't complain! It's going to be fantastic once it's all arranged, and cleaned!

Below: 2 Pictures taken on the way back from Tobaca/Kisii: Tea fields and their harvesters... And the easiest way to carry bananas!

So much to do, so little time.

Last Saturday (over a week ago) I wrote up a to-do list that was boggling my brain it was so big. On Sunday Cute Child's rash started, and by Monday we were en route the Emergency Room at Gertrude Hawkins Childrens Hospital in Muthaiga (across town). The problem is that it was a. raining, and b. college students were rioting on the roads needed to get us there. Police rerouted us, but it took us almost 3 hours to get about 2.5km's. *sigh. Such is life. Meanwhile, our kid sat in his car seat wimpering, his hives spreading more and more.

Long story short, we're over 95% certain it was an allergy to penicillin, and one that he was almost hospitalized for. The doctor was so worried, and us too, that they had us monitoring his breathing, and getting and Epi-Pen to jam into his thigh should his breathing change, or it just stop altogether. !!! Talk about stress. By Friday Hot Husband and I just collapsed. Both of us ill. Me, from being 19 weeks pregnant, and not eating, sleeping, drinking, or stopping enough. And he, from trying to help me with Cute Child but also having a super stressful job and picking up an awful stomach virus that 2 of his coworkers have also been out of the office with. :( Unfortunately he's so bad, we may have to take him to doctor tomorrow. Argh! Cute child's hives are a ton better, they come and go as the chemicals from the penicillin surface, and the itching and extreme misery have abated. Poor kid. And I'm rested, and trying to not get too stressed about how we have 2 weeks (Hot Husband has job training in States for a week- the week before his family arrives for 3 weeks) to get furniture, and everything lined up for the big family visit.

It's overwhelming. I need couches, and a bed and mattress for the guest room. I need to do up lists and write website stuff for Cute Child's birthday presents, and what we'd like for the new baby. Meanwhile we have one week till we find out the gender of this new one. I can't even imagine what it will be like to have 2 kids. There has been so much drama with our health in the last month that it just seems impossible. It isn't, I know. Deeeeeep breath!!! Whew!

If running errands here were easy, it would be different. But they're not. Everything in Africa takes longer. Sometimes it's just impossible. Sometimes it randomly works. Sometimes, something you've done 10 times, just won't work that particular day you try. Going to the bank is my least favorite thing, yet it's something I'm going to have to do several times in the next couple weeks- and I am not looking forward to the hours and hours in line and filling out forms I don't even understand that await me. I'll survive, and it's really not all that awful.

Meanwhile, we've joined the prayer team at church, are starting to see ideas of the future, and have really had some awesome opportunities open up in training different Kenyan pastors here- first off shadowing the Vineyard pastor here and learning from him. He's a really great guy, wise, and very experienced- he grew up in DRC and the Middle East. We like his style- his approach to the gospel and to Africans is refreshing and very Christlike. No big names or titles, no yelling in tongues, no Westernized worship or ways, no prosperity doctrines. Simple beliefs in a loving Father, who heals, saves, restores, delivers, and speaks. We like.

We are thinking of getting a house cat. I know! Me. The dog lover, is considering a house cat. I can't believe it's come to this. But the rats, they won't leave us alone, and one got in the house the other day- fairly certain it's gone now- and it was just too much to bear. We need a mouser, a guard. It has to be trained, short haired, good with children, and excellent at killing rats, large insects, and anything else that threatens our family. In the meantime, we talked to our neighbors and can borrow their cat for the day if needed.

Some things have begun to shift for the finances. For one, the company decided to pay for the new babies labor/delivery and all the items leading up to that. A huge huge HUGE blessing. The day after the announcement we handed them several hundred USD worth of receipts! YAY! This means that if other things continue to come through as promised, we can go home for Christmas. Without them covering the baby, it would have taken a complete miracle for us to financially be able to afford a new set of roundtrip tickets for all of us come next January. For those of you praying- thank you so much! Keep it up we need more of this!

In the meantime, I have two questions.
1. What gender do you think the baby is?
2. What "blog name" should I give it? ____= Cute Child... what should this one be?

Expat Blues...

Not sure if I'm feeling down because of hormones, or because it's just another part of adjusting to living in another country, so far from family and friends.

Hot Husband and I are continuing to be stretched in the area of finances, and just praying that everything works out in the end. This puts a level of uncertainty in our lives- and particular things like making our apartment into more of a home. I'd like to paint, get some pictures framed, hang things on the walls, and buy more seating for the living room.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Our church did nothing and had no honoring for the Mother's. It is a holiday in Kenya, but I didn't realize it wasn't till end of June, and English Mother's Day was April 3rd. Simply put, I had an expectation and it wasn't met. Then when it wasn't met, I just felt that much more homesick, thinking of our church(es) in the States and all the wonderful things they do for mothers. Adding insult to injury, I'd had a dream in the morning that had capitalized on my feelings of not fitting in recently, and when I was at church not anyone that I've known for months initiated conversation- normally no big deal, but after the dream, and already feeling lonely... a yucky feeling! Everyone left, and Hot Husband and I just decided to go home and be together with Cute Child instead of going out. As I said, it felt lonely. Back home, and growing up, families get together and go out to a fantastic brunch buffet, or to someone's home for a beautiful meal. Everyone is surrounded by family and/or friends, and loads of love.

There are moments when no matter how well I've adjusted, and how many people I've gotten to know, I feel lonely. This isn't just living overseas, though being out of your home country is much more of a stark contrast, but it also can and has happened in the States. Just being away from family and the familiar. We have moved 6 times in 6 years of marriage. I'm sure that this something to do with it. I have personally moved almost 15 times in the last 13 years. It's funny, though I'm wining about it right now, I know deep down, that I wouldn't have it another way- especially when I look back and reassess the moves and why they happened. Ivan and Isabel Allum prophesied once that some people have seasons of their lives where they go through doors, but my life was going to be- for the most part- a sort of encampment on one of those type of circular doors that just rotates around and around, with constant coming and going. If the last 13 years are any indication of that, I'd say they were spot on!

The last few days I've been wondering if there is something wrong with me. Why do I feel this way? Why don't I fit in more with others? Am I that different then others, or is it my own pride or imagination that is making me feel like such an odd duck? Lol. I know, I know, this sounds so dramatic. And I know, I am a citizen of heaven, not created to be like everyone else, or even to fit in with everyone else... I'm created to be more and more like Him... which is most definitely not like everyone else!

Also, there's been more odd things going on in our apartment complex. I had to laugh the other night. I woke up at about 4am, to a loud argument going on in the parking lot beneath our bedroom window. Two men from one of the companies here that rents out apartments for their employees to stay in while they are here on assignment- had brought home two prostitutes, who were most decidedly not liking each other. They were screaming and carrying on, while the men were just trying to get them upstairs and into the apartments. *sigh. While this is happening, there were the 3 Kenyan children washing their parents large and brand new 50,000+USD LandRover by hand in the backdrop. It's odd, these kids wash the car in the middle of the night, and I've not once seen the parents. They work continually. Why they don't pay a gardener/askari 100sh (a bit over a dollar) to wash the car like the rest of us is totally beyond me. I just do not understand it. This apartment complex is a very odd mixture of single men and their prostitutes, and families with their children. Also last week, another guy brought home a prostitute, fell asleep and then woke up to his passport, laptop, and everything being stolen from the woman. He then screamed at the night watchmen for allowing her out. How were they to know that his guest was stealing from him? All this to say, it doesn't make me feel all that safe, and I know it does affect my sleep when all this is going on.

All this to say, my blues have caused me to take a step back and evaluate the things in my life that are amazing blessings. To spend time with Him and worship, raising myself out of these blues. He for certain is not blue! We love it here, for all the crazy neighbors, awful traffic, and prolonged financial breakthrough. There are flowers blooming everywhere, the weather is hardly what one could call cold, the rain is a beautiful downpour, the birds sing songs I have never heard, and there is a wonderful community of moms for play groups that keeps Cute Child constantly playing outside. I have been married 6 years to an amazing man, who has never let me down, and loves me deeply. He works hard, and loves Father and Cute Child so much. He is an amazing dad and helps me out in ways that many other dads don't do. I have Doris who cleans my house, and has helped me with Cute Child through the last 3 months of sickness- always being cheerful and loving. I have family back in the States who sends us packages of mac n cheese, tons of tv shows, and lets us borrow their parenting dvds. I have in laws who are visiting and bringing all we need for baby #2's arrival. We have a great new car, that when we leave will provide us with a good nest egg for buying another car wherever we go. I have a son who is bright, loving, sweet, charming, and full of laughter who brings joy into every day of my life. I didn't have to go through a year of fertility medicine to get pregnant with this upcoming child. The grocery store carries Honey Bunches of Oats and Blueberry Morning Post the last 5 months, so my bit of cereal breakfast bliss has been sustainable! Though we don't know what will happen in the future, if I rehash our past, our last 6 years, I can honestly say that He's never left us hanging, He's never led us wrong, and that the future will only be brighter and better. I am a deeply blessed woman for all the friends that live all around the world. For their love, support, prayers, and compassion. For their encouragement, little notes, and just them believing in me, in us. I am truly rich.