Expat Blues...

Not sure if I'm feeling down because of hormones, or because it's just another part of adjusting to living in another country, so far from family and friends.

Hot Husband and I are continuing to be stretched in the area of finances, and just praying that everything works out in the end. This puts a level of uncertainty in our lives- and particular things like making our apartment into more of a home. I'd like to paint, get some pictures framed, hang things on the walls, and buy more seating for the living room.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Our church did nothing and had no honoring for the Mother's. It is a holiday in Kenya, but I didn't realize it wasn't till end of June, and English Mother's Day was April 3rd. Simply put, I had an expectation and it wasn't met. Then when it wasn't met, I just felt that much more homesick, thinking of our church(es) in the States and all the wonderful things they do for mothers. Adding insult to injury, I'd had a dream in the morning that had capitalized on my feelings of not fitting in recently, and when I was at church not anyone that I've known for months initiated conversation- normally no big deal, but after the dream, and already feeling lonely... a yucky feeling! Everyone left, and Hot Husband and I just decided to go home and be together with Cute Child instead of going out. As I said, it felt lonely. Back home, and growing up, families get together and go out to a fantastic brunch buffet, or to someone's home for a beautiful meal. Everyone is surrounded by family and/or friends, and loads of love.

There are moments when no matter how well I've adjusted, and how many people I've gotten to know, I feel lonely. This isn't just living overseas, though being out of your home country is much more of a stark contrast, but it also can and has happened in the States. Just being away from family and the familiar. We have moved 6 times in 6 years of marriage. I'm sure that this something to do with it. I have personally moved almost 15 times in the last 13 years. It's funny, though I'm wining about it right now, I know deep down, that I wouldn't have it another way- especially when I look back and reassess the moves and why they happened. Ivan and Isabel Allum prophesied once that some people have seasons of their lives where they go through doors, but my life was going to be- for the most part- a sort of encampment on one of those type of circular doors that just rotates around and around, with constant coming and going. If the last 13 years are any indication of that, I'd say they were spot on!

The last few days I've been wondering if there is something wrong with me. Why do I feel this way? Why don't I fit in more with others? Am I that different then others, or is it my own pride or imagination that is making me feel like such an odd duck? Lol. I know, I know, this sounds so dramatic. And I know, I am a citizen of heaven, not created to be like everyone else, or even to fit in with everyone else... I'm created to be more and more like Him... which is most definitely not like everyone else!

Also, there's been more odd things going on in our apartment complex. I had to laugh the other night. I woke up at about 4am, to a loud argument going on in the parking lot beneath our bedroom window. Two men from one of the companies here that rents out apartments for their employees to stay in while they are here on assignment- had brought home two prostitutes, who were most decidedly not liking each other. They were screaming and carrying on, while the men were just trying to get them upstairs and into the apartments. *sigh. While this is happening, there were the 3 Kenyan children washing their parents large and brand new 50,000+USD LandRover by hand in the backdrop. It's odd, these kids wash the car in the middle of the night, and I've not once seen the parents. They work continually. Why they don't pay a gardener/askari 100sh (a bit over a dollar) to wash the car like the rest of us is totally beyond me. I just do not understand it. This apartment complex is a very odd mixture of single men and their prostitutes, and families with their children. Also last week, another guy brought home a prostitute, fell asleep and then woke up to his passport, laptop, and everything being stolen from the woman. He then screamed at the night watchmen for allowing her out. How were they to know that his guest was stealing from him? All this to say, it doesn't make me feel all that safe, and I know it does affect my sleep when all this is going on.

All this to say, my blues have caused me to take a step back and evaluate the things in my life that are amazing blessings. To spend time with Him and worship, raising myself out of these blues. He for certain is not blue! We love it here, for all the crazy neighbors, awful traffic, and prolonged financial breakthrough. There are flowers blooming everywhere, the weather is hardly what one could call cold, the rain is a beautiful downpour, the birds sing songs I have never heard, and there is a wonderful community of moms for play groups that keeps Cute Child constantly playing outside. I have been married 6 years to an amazing man, who has never let me down, and loves me deeply. He works hard, and loves Father and Cute Child so much. He is an amazing dad and helps me out in ways that many other dads don't do. I have Doris who cleans my house, and has helped me with Cute Child through the last 3 months of sickness- always being cheerful and loving. I have family back in the States who sends us packages of mac n cheese, tons of tv shows, and lets us borrow their parenting dvds. I have in laws who are visiting and bringing all we need for baby #2's arrival. We have a great new car, that when we leave will provide us with a good nest egg for buying another car wherever we go. I have a son who is bright, loving, sweet, charming, and full of laughter who brings joy into every day of my life. I didn't have to go through a year of fertility medicine to get pregnant with this upcoming child. The grocery store carries Honey Bunches of Oats and Blueberry Morning Post the last 5 months, so my bit of cereal breakfast bliss has been sustainable! Though we don't know what will happen in the future, if I rehash our past, our last 6 years, I can honestly say that He's never left us hanging, He's never led us wrong, and that the future will only be brighter and better. I am a deeply blessed woman for all the friends that live all around the world. For their love, support, prayers, and compassion. For their encouragement, little notes, and just them believing in me, in us. I am truly rich.