I deserve it.

(i wrote this the other day, and would like to write more on this subject, with some scripture, stories, etc... but haven't gotten round to it... here's the 1st part!)

It's funny, that phrase. "I deserve it..." 'It' could be a new car, a cookie, a fabulous new handbag, a husband who puts his dirty laundry in the hamper, a better paying salary, something much more serious- like a healthy body. 

But, the truth of the matter is we don't always get what we think we deserve. 

Being an expat in the third world, there is constant temptation to say this phrase, to begin to use it as your motto. Especially if your life's work that has brought you here has included lots of sacrifices. Most particularly if you have given everything up to help the poor. The sacrifice of family, real supermarkets, salary cuts, and/or for those in missions- a lifestyle of living on donations, the future being unknown- and therefore the lifestyle of faith for your children's education, bread on the table, good clothing on your backs, health and safety.  To lay ones life down, saying goodbye to your country, your people, for the sake of another persons land, their culture, and they themselves... is no small thing. The sacrifice is very real!

However, there is often a sense of entitlement that will try and sneak up to rob you of your grace. If you aren't careful it makes you ungrateful for the bounty that you do live in- right now. The things that He has provided, the health you do have, the freedom you have to worship, the amazing ways of provision that have got you to this point.  

It's the greedy demon of comparison that whispers in your ear- "but I deserve that...", or "why don't i have this?", and then goes into a dangerous place, "why do they get that?" , "i'm better then them, i'm doing more then them...", and then... "I've given up more then them, they haven't had to work (suffer) nearly as much as I have..."

Slippery is this slope, and if you aren't careful you can find yourself careening out of control into a hole called self pity.

Somehow, we forget so quickly - that we are saved by grace. That everything we have is His, and that everything we are is because of Him and what He's done for us. Many of the things that we wish would happen in our lives, our ministries, our marriages and families- may not happen until we change our attitude. God does not OWE us anything. He paid for it all, already!  (I can hear myself whining like a kid in a candy shop already- 'but what about this? I want that!') 

For so many of us, we were saved into a salvation that promised better lives, the end of all of our problems, the fulfillment of every dream. And when this doesn't happen the way we wanted, we become whiny children in candy shops very quickly, our sense of entitlement taking over, our "I deserve it"s shouting loudly to everyone who will listen. 

Thoughts on a Sunday night...

Today we bought a really really large cool looking basket from some dudes on the side of the road. It's made out of alfalfa. How do I know? Because I'm sitting next to it right now typing, and I'm allergic to alfalfa, and I can feel my throat and nose getting all ucky. But I still love my basket. Did I mention it is really cool? :)

We went to church, Karen Vineyard, and I just really like Vineyards. So far- I can't vouch for em all folks! They spoke on finances and tithing. Three things I liked:

1. I liked that 30% of their budget goes to help the poor. That's a lot.
2. I liked that they did a brief, but very thorough public showing of what they spend money on. Total transparency is important to me because of all the abuse I've seen in religious organizations with finances.
3. I liked that it wasn't said that you MUST give 10 percent as a tithe, but focused on the heart of being generous, and giving. I liked that they listed the 10% tithing as an Old Testament law. From the pulpit.
4. okay one more: I liked that they didn't end with doing another offering, just to make everyone give more money. Because that's something that seems to happen at other places I've been, and it seems a leetle bit like manipulation!

We went to a place that we really liked here to speak with the landlord, and tomorrow we will get a copy of the lease to go over. We're praying that it's all really plain language, and no stupid hang ups, or slippery manipulations in it. We ended up agreeing that we would pay 3 months rent up front, plus a 2 month deposit. And that was after negotiations! Still- that is 5 months rent, immediately. *sigh. On the other hand, the place is really nice, in a very good area, safe, clean, right down the street from Miriam, and has a really pretty swimming pool and lounge area. It's quiet, and full of flowers. I'm praying that the lease and everything goes through. In the meantime, I'm pricing out cookers (stoves), cold boxes (refrigerators), washing machines, dining tables, etc. We have hardly anything here, and I would like to get things before we move in... Which would be November 20th.

In other news:
I miss American accents.
I miss my sister and family badly.
I miss my furniture.
I miss the smell of clean in America.
I miss my clothes smelling like Downy.
I miss chicken pot pie, and corn chips with salsa.
Sleeping under a mosquito netting every night is so NOT romantic!

I'm loving Banana Madness smoothies.
I love meeting new people almost every day.
I'm getting free physio therapy from a new friend who's a physical therapist.
The rains have brought flowers everywhere out, and everything is green!
I love that I'm in capris and a tank with a light weight sweater on... and everyone at home is either in snow or sweaters, or both.
I love my new basket. Handwoven.
Hot Husbands schedule is proving better here then NYC. :) YAY!

Not exactly roughing it.

We had a spa day today at Miriam's house.

My eyebrows were threaded, as well as my upper lip, for 6 dollars. and for another 6, I got a delightful foot and calves massage, along with a gorgeous pedicure, where all the disgusting African dirt and dead skin was sloughed off my feet. Afterwords my toes painted a lovely bright red, and feet slathered and rubbed with a lovely Body Shop peppermint foot lotion. I've never been pampered like that!

Can I just say- threading is really fascinating! And it looks incredibly difficult.

Next time I will also get my lower legs waxed, and my armpits as well, for an extra 6 bucks. Why not?!

All the while, lovely hired help was playing with Cute Child and Miriam's wee little 2 year old curly haired bundle of energy girl. And we sat and chatted. It was a grand time... and I am sitting here, with my feet feeling like a million bucks, wondering out loud that this is not quite what I thought moving to Africa would be like all those years ago.

And at the same time, I am just totally okay with that fact. At least right now.

Expat Mommy Club

We went to the Karen Vineyard (Karen is a suburb of Nairobi, and where a lot of white people live) a little over a week ago. While there we went to the visitors table, and check out what home groups were available in our area. There were 3. And all 3 leaders were standing around talking, when they heard that we were interested- all of them argued amongst each other on who could have us.

This felt so good. We have visited LOADS of churches in the past 3 years. And I mean, loads. Like at least 15.  If not 20. To be fought over is a very rare thing, it's usually the feeling that no one really wants you or complete indifference. But this is one reason why we keep coming back to Vineyards all around the world. They seem to share one thing in common, no matter where they are- community. Quite frankly, church is not church without community, and it's incredibly surprising how many churches continue to survive without it. Anyways. 

We decided to go to the newest one, which also happened to be the closest. And then the woman their who had won us, kept saying over and over, (Fiona) that I must meet this woman, Miriam, that she knew all of the mom and tot groups, and play things, and on and on and on... and then invited us over for Tea and Swiss Chocolates that afternoon- where I would meet Miriam.

Meeting Miriam has changed my life here. I kid you not. She's sweet, unassuming, not pretentious, and in we're a bit- in her words- "kindred friends". We have so much in common- though we're so entirely different. She has 2 daughters, one who is 2 and the other who is 6 months. She's a Kiwi. (which I love Kiwi's- have yet to meet a single person from New Zealand that I have not taken to immediately!) and her husband travels 25% of the time- to crazy places like Afghanistan, and DRCongo for his job. She invited me to play group the next day, and the long and short of it is that I have not really been home much since meeting her! Her and her 2 other friends, Rachel and Wendy (England, and Australia) hang out several times a week, and it appears that I have been graciously, lovingly, and happily been adopted into this group of women. Rachel has a wee baby girl who is 4 months, and Wendy has 3 kids, but the best is her son- who is the same exact age as Cute Child- only 6 days older, weighs the same, is the same height. Cute Child just has bigger feet and hands. Anyways, Cute Child LOVES LOVES her son, and they really seem to get on great and play together really well. 

Last year I wanted so badly to find women that I could be with often and that would understand life's journey and what it was like to have husbands who work so ferociously, and I have to say, there is just something special about what I've found here. Rachel said last night in the car (we had just had an indoor barbeque at Miriams- we were rained out) that "Expat friends are different then friends at home. They're like family. "  And she's right, that's how it feels. We have each others numbers, and if any of our husbands are out of country, and we have an emergency, day or night, we can ring each other, and everyone will be there for that person. We share information, deals, dream of items we can't get in Africa, and talk about what we can get our husbands to nab for us on their next trips. Wendy's husband just came back from England with a whole suitcase of cheese. You know why we went to her house today! hahaaa! We don't seem to run out of things to talk about. Yet. I keep thinking we will, but we haven't.

I need to write about the dramas going on with the Nannies, and the Expat Mom's... and then our small group. But I'll save that for another date. For now, suffice it all to say, I am learning a lot, and I feel incredibly blessed to be adopted by this group of women. They are fun, and brave, strong and beautiful. I know I can learn a lot from their life experiences- Wendy and Miriam have lived in very dangerous difficult situations for the last 3+ years.. A lifetime when we're talking 3rd world with babies!

Hot Husband is in Ghana, working with Cocoa/Chocolate people. I miss him badly, but it's a short trip, and he'll be home soon! Yay!

For the first time today, I felt really happy here. For the first time today, I could imagine being here for a year or more.  This is really good!

Conviction.

Last week was a horrible week. Washing puke off Mr Blue Bear and everything with Dettol, the hot water heater breaking, electricity rations for 8 hours a day, sleeping next to Cute Child- waking at every sniffle wondering if I needed to get grab the pan really quick, Hot Husband in the fetal position for hours and hours, unable to move without extreme sickness. His work threatening to send him to Ghana for 10 days instead of 4, if he doesn't make this deadline, or that deadline, or another deadline. Finding we aren't covered with pre-existing conditions on our new health insurance. A pretty big deal, since Hot Husband said we wouldn't move unless I could get care with my condition here... The list went on and on. And I yelled into the air that we should just pack our bags, quit, and go to my parents house. They have a really nice house. With hot water, and my mom cooks amazing homeade pizza, and can get Cute Child to eat more then anyone else can... and I miss my sister. My nephew just learnt to crawl, and I can't see it. And NCIS has just started up again, and how will I know if Ziva is still being held hostage?

 'You're my servant, serving on my side. 

   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'

Don't panic. I'm with you. 

   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.

I'll give you strength. I'll help you. 

   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.'

Isaiah 41:10

I was quickened to pray for Bill and Caroline today. Some absolutely amazing friends in Jersey. He's been out of work for several months now, since like January? Something has got to give, they need work. It's been a rough year for them, and I wish that Hot Husband and I had been there more for them in this crappy season. 

And that's when some of the conviction set in. While I was praying, I got this scripture (above)- and when I looked it up in the Message, it made me cry. Not just for them, and the emotion of their situation and what they're going through...

but our situation. Knowing that because I have feared, and I have not been too great on the "don't worry" sort of lifestyle- I also haven't been there for friends who are going through major life bumps. 

That and I realize that I really can't talk about Hot Husband's company badly any longer. They suck, you've heard my rants,  I wrote enough of it in the beginning of this post, but in the end, what does all my lamenting, bemoaning, and yes- WHINING- really do to help out situation? nothing. I've said my grievances to God. Do I think that if I tell everyone else too, He will somehow get the hint and finally change our situation?!  I think I kinda did think that. :( To say that I totally am confident that He has our back, that He is upholding us right now, that we can surely trust Him, would be a lie. I am scared. A scared little chicken.  I am scared that He won't come through, that we'll somehow be left here, or some other place, our dreams, to rot.

And then I think, that this is just how hard it is. And people who made history all had to go through a lot to make history, to change things, to accomplish their dreams. . . And then a tiny little lie pops in... threatens to destroy all hope and dream and passion that's left... It says that I am not a big enough person to ever accomplish the things I've dreamed. That I just won't ever do it- I don't have what it takes.

It's the end of the day. I am what you see, I don't have a lot of faces. I'm not 'someone' important by the world's eyes. I'm a Montanan mzungu (white person), with frizzy hair, a mommy belly, doubt and worry, and I whine too much. I'm insecure, and sometimes I listen to the old lies of rejection. It's the end of the day and when it is all laying out on the table, the only thing left is me and Jesus. In all my crap right now, all my self pity, and frustration-I have never been more aware of my need for a Saviour. For salvation. For a cross to put things on. I am painfully aware that I am nothing without Him... and without Him is somewhere I cannot go, and will not go. 

Sickness and Pictures

Here's some pictures of Blackrose the furnished apartments we are staying in at least for this first month- if not a 2nd. 

The swimming pool and brai (barbeque) area. Very nice- we've either been sick or busy to even use it yet though. . ! :( 

One of the walkways..

The outside of one of the buildings here- there are 3 units like this, framing a courtyard. We are in the back unit, on the 2nd floor. (or what they call 1st floor here, since they start with ground floor, and then go up 1, 2, etc).

A view of the courtyard. Note the crazy tree with the tall bit coming out the top of it!
The view from right outside our door... 
Our kitchen...
And dining... (for some reason I don't have the living couch area)

This is the view when you open our front door. ...

The first door on the right, is a toilet room with a sink...
The second door on the right is a shower room with a sink... (quite common here to keep the toilet and shower separate)
Third door on the right is the 2nd bedroom, which we use for Cute Child. 
First door on the Left is the main bedroom- ours. We bought the mozzie netting because Hot Husband was going batty with the one lone mozzie buzzing in his ears at night. 

We're all sick. Me being the least. Hot Husband currently taking the lead. Cute Child a close 2nd. It started a few days ago, and just hasn't seemed to let up much. Hot husband convinced me yesterday to go with some people who offered a ride to Village Market, this place that is like an African Outdoor mall. African because everything is crazy expensive, mostly all imported, and filled with a bit of a Disney feel- fake rivers, palm trees, wooden walk ways, etc. (though no singing birds, or small puppets swaying to 'It's a Small World') . I went because once a month they have an expat sale- I'm surmising this is where expats bring their goods to sell? I'm hoping to find a number of items. Iron, Ironing board, Microwave, drying rack-dishes and clothes. Etc. But we got there and it was not going on- they moved it to next week. So even at VillageMarketDisney where everything is so posh, it's still Africa in that we could never have known that they changed the date unless we had gone. Oh well. The hard part though is that I could tell all day Cute Child was still not well. Feverish, lethargic, a few dry heaves, no appetite. 

So when he started vomiting around 8 right before bed, and then proceeded to vomit a ton around 10pm- soiling a whole bunch more stuff for me to hand wash (NEVER underestimate the blessing of a washing machine friends!)- I was kicking myself for taking him anywhere. Stupid. Today we are staying in, we may take a short walk to YaYa for some fruit, flowers, and fabric softener, maybe some more Dettol. But only if Cute Child is up for it. 

I was sick in the night, but am feeling all right now, Hot Husband is feeling awful and still has to work. He's nauseas, and doing frequent runs to the loo. Horrible. He has deadlines all in the next 24 hours, and he's worried if he doesn't make them they will send him to Ghana for an extra 6 days. WHICH WOULD SUCK for me. Seriously, I was already gearing myself up for him to be gone 4 days. But 10? TEN!? Dear Jesus. 

Mix into that the new information that has led us to the conclusion that we are most definitely working for a Nebuchadnezzar (sorry need some spell check for that!)... and I think we're in some major warfare. Lord please show us your face, show us the way that you lead us. We earnestly desire wisdom for what to do, say, and act. 

The latest

(fyi- all pictures posted are ours, unless otherwise stated, and i must say though that this one is from Avalon, NJ, nowhere near Nairobi! haha!)

It's funny, for months I tried to read everything I could get my hands on about relocating, being an expat, moving to Nairobi- everything! I found it hard to find information, and the things I did find, rarely gave me the information that I needed. "Were diapers priced exorbantly high in Kenya- and should I switch to cloth before coming?" (answer: no, they're about the same, maybe slightly higher- it's WIPES that not only are about triple the price- but are awful quality)

In the last 2 days, I've spent only about 30 minutes on the internet, and both times I found highly informative forums, and even a blog that answer so many of our questions. It amazes me.

We found a place we really really like. However, we were awaiting to hear the price of it, since we don't want to go above 65,000sh, for a 2-3 bedroom. It's not too far from Hot Husband's job, and is a stones throw away from a large Nakumatt for shopping. (Nakumatt=Kenya version of Walmart, get it- Matt, Mart?) Plus at that particular Nakumatt, there is also a tiny shop right outside that has wonderful flowers for sale at a good price, and a place that sells (expensive) delicious hummus.  We heard this morning that the owner wants to rent it for 80,000sh.. Quite a bit more then it's worth. What's happened is, in the last month 4 of the open apartments (they're quite new) have been snatched up by the UN- and the UN pays exorbant prices for everything. In fact, in the words of our Kenyan realtor, "UN is free money". For us the price would be 80,000, for the UN, it would be 120,000. RIDICULOUS! 

I still feel incredibly overwhelmed at what to cook. We went over to a house in Runda (the Beverly Hills of Nairobi- a pretty far drive from city center, and where all the rich expats live) for a late lunch yesterday after church. A Dutch couple who've been here for about 2 years. She is a tropical medicine doctor, and he's an economist. A really nice couple, super great. I thought maybe I could get ideas with what she cooked- and everything she made was wonderful. I do think that we will have salad's more often, with different vegetables or fruits in them. And we'll have to buy a grill of some sort. But outside of that, I didn't really get much for ideas. Unless we want to spend hundreds and hundreds on groceries every month, I really need to learn how to make a lot more things from scratch! 

Everyone that you meet wants to know what you are going to do here. What am I going to do Lord? Right now, I just want to make sure this is where He wants us! It's quite an awkward conversation, and I find myself continually at a loss. There are ongoing random frustrations with Hot Husbands job. And while we don't want to bad mouth the company in any way, or sound like we are whining... It is often the best to explain different goings on with the company, to explain our hesitancy, and my uncertainty with where we are at. We're currently working on the working visa, which has hit some random frustrating loopholes, and Hot Husband has to confront his boss today with the fact that last Friday I was denied coverage for my "pre-existing condition" (PCOS) which we told said boss, was a huge concern of ours in relocating, and were assured it would all be fine.  

I still feel lost in many ways. Though I am not depressed, or necessarily even frustrated. There is a certain grace on me for all of this right now. I think this is in part, I have lost 7 pounds since being here. I also may have had a normal-7 day period. We'll see, it must stop by Tuesday- but so far, all signs point to Metformin KICKING PCOS ARSE! :) Another 10 pounds to go and I can't complain, however it would be magnificent to be the weight I was when I got married. As you can see, I lost a little, and now I'm dreaming of a lot! Lol...

I will walk around with Cute Child and take pictures of Blackrose, and the amazing trees that are blooming.

Oh- one more thing, we got a rain here! On Saturday it poured. We were in the Junction (where one of the Nakumatt's are- like a small strip mall with a food court), eating at Saffron (Indian) when suddenly the roar of African rain on a tin roof was deafening. I have to say, that's one of my favorite sounds. I took Cute Child over to the open floor to ceiling windows, and we stared in wonder at how the sky had opened and what looked like the ocean, was coming out. Rains here are like that- they just completely encompass you. Cute Child leaned forward as far as I would allow him towards the open window (floor to ceiling open window, second floor, and if we had fallen, we would fall into like 6 rows of electric fencing, eat your heart out US Gov't code standards!) and would take his little hands, and grab at the rain and wind coming through, rubbing his hands all over his face... like he was eating the beauty of it. It was so sweet.

Today it is dry again and sunny. Maybe tomorrow more rain?