Conviction.

Last week was a horrible week. Washing puke off Mr Blue Bear and everything with Dettol, the hot water heater breaking, electricity rations for 8 hours a day, sleeping next to Cute Child- waking at every sniffle wondering if I needed to get grab the pan really quick, Hot Husband in the fetal position for hours and hours, unable to move without extreme sickness. His work threatening to send him to Ghana for 10 days instead of 4, if he doesn't make this deadline, or that deadline, or another deadline. Finding we aren't covered with pre-existing conditions on our new health insurance. A pretty big deal, since Hot Husband said we wouldn't move unless I could get care with my condition here... The list went on and on. And I yelled into the air that we should just pack our bags, quit, and go to my parents house. They have a really nice house. With hot water, and my mom cooks amazing homeade pizza, and can get Cute Child to eat more then anyone else can... and I miss my sister. My nephew just learnt to crawl, and I can't see it. And NCIS has just started up again, and how will I know if Ziva is still being held hostage?

 'You're my servant, serving on my side. 

   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'

Don't panic. I'm with you. 

   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.

I'll give you strength. I'll help you. 

   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.'

Isaiah 41:10

I was quickened to pray for Bill and Caroline today. Some absolutely amazing friends in Jersey. He's been out of work for several months now, since like January? Something has got to give, they need work. It's been a rough year for them, and I wish that Hot Husband and I had been there more for them in this crappy season. 

And that's when some of the conviction set in. While I was praying, I got this scripture (above)- and when I looked it up in the Message, it made me cry. Not just for them, and the emotion of their situation and what they're going through...

but our situation. Knowing that because I have feared, and I have not been too great on the "don't worry" sort of lifestyle- I also haven't been there for friends who are going through major life bumps. 

That and I realize that I really can't talk about Hot Husband's company badly any longer. They suck, you've heard my rants,  I wrote enough of it in the beginning of this post, but in the end, what does all my lamenting, bemoaning, and yes- WHINING- really do to help out situation? nothing. I've said my grievances to God. Do I think that if I tell everyone else too, He will somehow get the hint and finally change our situation?!  I think I kinda did think that. :( To say that I totally am confident that He has our back, that He is upholding us right now, that we can surely trust Him, would be a lie. I am scared. A scared little chicken.  I am scared that He won't come through, that we'll somehow be left here, or some other place, our dreams, to rot.

And then I think, that this is just how hard it is. And people who made history all had to go through a lot to make history, to change things, to accomplish their dreams. . . And then a tiny little lie pops in... threatens to destroy all hope and dream and passion that's left... It says that I am not a big enough person to ever accomplish the things I've dreamed. That I just won't ever do it- I don't have what it takes.

It's the end of the day. I am what you see, I don't have a lot of faces. I'm not 'someone' important by the world's eyes. I'm a Montanan mzungu (white person), with frizzy hair, a mommy belly, doubt and worry, and I whine too much. I'm insecure, and sometimes I listen to the old lies of rejection. It's the end of the day and when it is all laying out on the table, the only thing left is me and Jesus. In all my crap right now, all my self pity, and frustration-I have never been more aware of my need for a Saviour. For salvation. For a cross to put things on. I am painfully aware that I am nothing without Him... and without Him is somewhere I cannot go, and will not go.